Adopting E-Magazine, August 2012
Adopting Announcements
Photolisting: Now is the perfect time to raise foster and adoption awareness in your community. If you have your own blog or website, perhaps you would like to add our Photo Listing Widget to help raise awareness of foster children nationwide.
Would you like to help more children from your agency get adopted faster? Click here for a form to add children to our photolisting. This service is FREE to all states and includes a team of technical support and customer service staff to maintain the Photolisting.
Don't see any children from your state? Please contact your local officials to let them know you would like to see children from your state.
Blogging: Have you thought about starting a blog to share your adoption journey with friends, family or others in the adoption community? We're always looking for volunteer or guest bloggers with an authoritative voice on adoption topics, such as international adoption, foster care, unplanned pregnancy, search and reunion etc. for AdoptionBlogs.com. This may be the perfect time to voice your adoption experiences and share with our community!
Overcoming a Failed Adoption
If you've been involved in the modern adoption community at all, you may have heard the term "failed adoption." And unfortunately, it happens to many prospective adoptive parents. There are two basic definitions of a failed adoption. The first, and perhaps the most common meaning, is that the adoption doesn't get to finalization. This could be because the biological parents decided to parent the child after all or decided to go with another prospective adoptive couple instead. The other definition means that finalization occurred, but bonding or attachment did not. This happens mainly with older child adoption and can cause a lot of negative tension in the home.
Failed Before Finalization
Experiencing a failed adoption pre-finalization can be devastating. You've already put together the child's room, gathered clothing, shoes, and toys, and maybe even picked out a baby name. You've already come to think of that child as your child, and that gets all taken away from you. It is heartbreaking. You've lost a child and no one should discount that pain you're feeling. It's real.
Even though you've experienced this heartbreak, it doesn't mean your chances at a family are over. You can always try again. It can be hard to try the adoption process again because you'll always be afraid that it will have the same outcome. But you can't let that fear hold you back. You can deal with the fear in many ways, including support groups, counseling, and being even more prepared for the next adoption-meaning, knowing which questions to ask and which red flags you need to be watching for.
If you can't trust the process, it may be too soon to try to adopt again. Make sure you've dealt appropriately with all the emotions and fears before you move forward. You don't want your previous experiences force you to become jaded with what should be a wonderful and happy time in your life. Get the help you need and then you can finally have the family you've always dreamed of.
Failed After Finalization
Not being able to form attachments or bonds with your child is an emotionally painful experience. Sometimes no matter how hard you try or how long you hope it will occur naturally, it just doesn't happen. It could be for many reasons, including emotional development issues with either you or the child, past or current traumatic experiences, or even as simple as personality conflicts-depending on the age of the child. This happens in all types of adoption: foster, international, and domestic adoption.
There have been several stories in the news that shock and surprise the adoption community and those outside of it. Some parents will adopt and have a failed adoption after finalization. They don't know how to handle the child and they don't understand the child. This is no one's fault. It just happens sometimes. However, the shock and outcry comes because some parents try to unadopt their children and send them back from their home country or state. It doesn't work like that. Parents are responsible for their children no matter what. Until the parental rights have been severed, they are still ultimately responsible.
If you've experienced a failed post-finalization adoption, just know you're not alone. However, there are ways to encourage the building of emotional relationships. Your relationship with your child may never be what you originally hoped, but progress can be made. The first thing to do is to seek professional help for your child. Chances are that s/he has experienced some traumatic events early in life and needs help getting through them. Let the child go to counseling alone and then consider having a few joint counseling sessions. Then, you need to be patient with yourself, your child, and the healing and attachment process. Love and respect each other and it will lift and alleviate the negative feelings or emotions in your home.
Experiencing a failed adoption doesn't mean that you've failed. It just means that circumstances have not worked out the way you had hoped. But that doesn't mean you should lose hope. The future holds so many possibilities. Be open to new opportunities and you may be surprised what comes into your life. It may not be expected, but it may redefine your life goals and set you on a whole new path. Take the time to heal from a failed adoption. Then you can move forward, and that's the most important thing you can do for yourself.
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Adopting Blogs from AdoptionBlogs.com
A Heart for Africa
I have been researching African adoption for both this blog and the Ethiopian one. This is a very busy area. The popularity of African adoption is on the rise. It seems to be gaining ground by the day... more
Regaining Lost Ground
Ethiopian adoption has undergone some recent improvements to their adoption program. This is good news for those who are interested in adoption from this country... more
Adopting Community, News & Events
General Adoptive Parent Support - Meeting the BF?
General Adoptive Parent Support - It's Here, Finally Here!!!!!
General Adoptive Parent Support - Birthmom Missing...Prayers Needed
The Adoption Photolisting
Adopting Tip of the Month
After adoption finalization, take a few weeks off from work and other responsibilities so you and your family can bond with your child. This will also help make everyone comfortable with the recent changes.
In Your Words
"I have adopted overseas, China, nine years ago. The agency I used then is charging some amount more, but it is an understandable amount. They have fees that are in addition to an American adoption and you would think that would make international adoption more expensive. My husband and I have found that if you compare most international adoptions though to most private American adoptions, they are much less expensive. Now, what I don't understand is, if we are only allowed to charge for medical and the adoption expense itself, why are these american adoptions twenty to thirty thousand and up dollars??? Another thing, I work at a hospital in Texas and most of the ladies giving their babies for adoption are on medicaid and the tax-payers are already paying for their expenses. That may not be the case in all states but it is in Texas. So, when you pay $30,000.00 for the completion of a private adoption of a healthy newborn, exactly where does all that money go? I can tell you, I paid a total of half that amount to adopt my daughter overseas and that was for the trip, homestudy, absolutely everything for my husband and myself. Now it has gone up about 5000 or 6000 but it still is traceable expenses that can be explained. Are we buying babies in the USA? Is that why there are so many of us going elsewhere? I can answer for us but I still haven't found the answers satisfactory to the USA adoption expenses." - Susan
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