Adoption Week e-Magazine Article
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An Assorted Fairytale IX
Linda Muzzin
Adoption is the one thing I know people torture themselves with, either because they are adopted or gave up a child. There is rarely a true finality of sorts, and believe me… I know. I have tried for many years not to think or imagine whom I might have been had I fulfilled the destiny I was born into. Even now I cry myself to sleep some nights wondering why I can’t let this go. After all, I am a grown adult, educated, and loved, with a life I am so very grateful for, and yet it is as if I were someone else living in this body but living out another spirit. I have no answers to my questions, and even less of an understanding as to why I was the one chosen to be given up.
My goodness… to read this even now, it sounds so childish to be feeling this way, but even if my life were a struggle as the child I was born to be, wouldn’t my life be less of a struggle having been that me, instead of this me? I suppose in every right I could continue to drive myself crazy with all of the unanswered questions, but I find writing about it and knowing it’s being released out into the universe is healing. I understand that to ever be living my best life, and to really being true to my inner soul, the real core of who I am as a human being, I must face this head on. I sit here with so much resentment for the way I was treated as a child by my mother and my sister. All these years later, I have healed some of those wounds, but the resentment is still there for my birth mother who doesn’t have a half-hour of time to give me even 39 years later.
I have this part of me that aches inside wondering what could have been going on in her life for her to leave me, after having 7 other children already. I wonder what was wrong with the rest of my birth family, both on my father’s side and on my birth mother’s side that they could have let me go? I still, even all these years later, just need to know why…no games, no blame no hurtful remarks. I just want to hear the words out loud so I have some sort of closure.
Why? Why was I given away? You know the reasons I have come up with are terribly unhealthy. I was not a boy, too small, too light-skinned, too fat, too ugly, too much of burden. A bastard, a secret, a lie. I was unplanned and unwanted, I was trouble to “deal” with. I was less important than the others, less important than a career. You were too young, too old, too tired…and the list goes on. Over and over, these thoughts circle my mind. I know that for “her” to ever understand how much she could give back to me, she has to at least allow me the chance to talk to her.
You know I was convinced that was all I needed: just one chance to tell her I am not mad. I simply have a few questions, and with that, I snuck out the window to see what I could find.
Until next time… have a blessed week.
To read last weeks article, visit http://e-magazine.adoption.com/articles/503/an-assorted-fairytale- viii.php.
