E-Magazine
Adopting Across Color Lines: One Family’s Story
Mary Martin Mason
As a transracially adoptive family living in Duluth, the Gows with their four sons, Richard (14), Ahkeim (11), Rahiem (10) and Xavier (8), have been profiled on television and in newspapers. Richard appeared on a national adoption special that aired on Nickelodeon Network that was hosted by Faith Hill. While some of the boys’ friends have said they wish they were adopted so that they could get attention, the reality is that sometimes the four brothers would prefer not to be so “famous.”
Xavier says, “It’s fine that there are only two other Black students in my class, but if other Black students came that would be nice. Sometimes I would like other Black students like me and other times I don’t want them to come.”
According to Ahkiem, “It’s cool to grow up in a mostly White community because you learn new words like Sweet and Dude! You guys have different music too. I’m not special. I’m the same, just a different color. I don’t want people just like me because it’s nice to be me and nobody looks like me or does everything like me.”
Rahiem says, “I fit in fine. It is easier now than when I was first adopted three years ago. I had problems because I didn’t know they were my parents. I haven’t been called names or treated differently because of my race.” He adds, “Having more kids like me in my class would make it more fun.”
Unlike his younger brothers, Richard is the only African American in his school. When he first arrived, six years ago, he questioned how and if he’d fit in. “I made friends the first year and their friends met me, and I was friends with their friends’ friends. Now I know mostly everybody.”
At first he had to enlist his parents, Marilyn and Val, to help him secure a place in his new community. “My clothes (that they bought me) were plaid shirts and khaki pants. They’ve learned that for them to be able to parent me, it’s all right for me to be able to do my own thing. They need to check it out, my clothes, my hair, music I listen to, the place I hang out. I play the piano, trombone, the drums, and I used to play the violin. After school, I go to a Hip Hop place where you spin records and you rap. I’m in tumbling with my brothers, so I’m involved in a play and lots of after school stuff. Everybody in Duluth knows me, so if you don’t know me, then you must have just moved here then you must have just moved here about a week ago.”
He’s candid about some advantages that come from being unique. When he was assigned the book he didn’t want to read, To Kill a Mockingbird, he objected to the racial epithets, so the teacher assigned him a different book. Richard wasn’t thrilled with the alternative. “He gave me another book that was bigger, so I ended up having to read more.”
Seek Out Places and Events Where Your Child’s Race is the Majority
On March 27, the Gows attended the annual Harambee Conference, joining annual other families with African American children for a day of education and fun. Although Richard admits he preferred to stay home and watch cartoons, he says, “I’m glad I went. I met some cool people. We gave each other our contact information so we’re going to be keeping in touch. That’s how we get to see people of color.”
Ahkiem likes attending Harambee events and going to the African American Center in Duluth “because I can meet new Black people who can teach me stuff like how to make Jamaican pancakes.”
Another highlight for the boys was a trip to Philadelphia where they visited their sister, Lindsey (Marilyn and Val’s second oldest daughter.)
Ahkiem says, “That was the most Black people I’ve ever seen in my life. The whole town is Black!”
Xavier said of this trip, “It made me feel good because everybody looked like me. Now I know that there is more than one me. There’s a bunch more who look like me.”
Enlist Mentors to Teach Responses to Racism
Val says, “It seems that every summer when we’re camping that there’s some incident where someone will make a comment. Even friends and family will either be laid back with the kids or they’ll overact. Sometimes they’ll make comments like the kids all look alike.” He recalls one camping trip where a boy kept biking or running through and purposely bumping into the boys. He says, “I was going to talk to the parents, but instead I invited the boy over and we played together. That seemed to work.”
When Ahkiem experienced a racial incident at another camp, he didn’t tell his parents because “it got handled.” He has heard his parents tell Richard to ignore racist comments. He says, “They don’t know what it feels like to be racial in color.”
To address the harsh realities of racism, Marilyn and Val enlist African American mentors as coaches, teachers and pastors. Marilyn says, “Val and I can’t teach our boys how to be Black males in this society. We call on the boys’ tumbling coach, Yusuf Abdullah, and ask his advice. He’s very supportive. He’s younger and just starting out with his kids, and yet we’re going to him for parenting advice. And he has helped us.”
Val says, “Yusuf told me that when I walk into a room, I’m accepted. But if a Black man walks into a room, he has to earn everyone’s acceptance. I didn’t know those things. Richard has also opened my eyes.”
When Xavier praises Yusuf for teaching kids “how to do back flips and do things right,” Marilyn adds that his influence extends far beyond the gym. She says, “When Richard was having trouble with his grades, the coach said that he wasn’t being a role model for his team, so he had him leave the team for a while. He teaches the whole person. He told him, “You’re very talented in tumbling, but if you can’t put it all together, then you can’t be on the team.’”
Ahkeim adds that mentors don’t have to be the same race as the children. “Get a pastor or good friend to do cultural stuff with your child. Our teacher adopted two Chinese kids, and they do lots of cultural stuff like the lion dance and Chinese foods. It’s awesome.”
When he encounters prejudice, Richard says, “I think it’s kind of funny because it just shows that I’m higher in intelligence. I have better stuff to do with my time.”
Connect with Birth Relatives
Even though Marilyn and Val along with Richard’s social worker wanted Richard and his older sister to be adopted together, circumstances prevented that from happening. Recognizing his need to stay connected to his family, Marilyn and Val have facilitated an open adoption for him with three of his sisters and his birth parents.
Richard says, “Closed adoption is when you’re adopted and your (birth) parents aren’t able to make contact with you. Open adoption is when you have contact with your birth parents. It starts out monitored like on a phone with your parents listening, so your parents make sure that there’s no false promises made. The two parents make a bond really and they start to share the kid. That’s what happened to me about four months ago between Dad with my biological dad. They’re like brothers now. “
The inevitable school assignments that require family backgrounds are eased somewhat by Richard’s new contact with his birth family.
“Sometimes the teacher asks you to make a book from the time you were born. I had to skip until I was 9 because I couldn’t remember anything. I had to go back and talk to a lot of people because I wasn’t sure. I have two pictures. I had a bunch that got water damaged. People ask at first why I’m Black and they’re White.” (He points to Val and Marilyn) “A lot of kids think it’s really cool, and they say if your parents can’t take care of you, then you should have somebody who can.”
Ahkeim says, “If you don’t know about your real parents, maybe you think they did something wrong. It’s good to know your relatives because it makes you feel better inside and fills this empty space if you have one.”
Contributed by: Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation
