Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Working through the Pain of Infertility

Kathryn Lauer Black

One of my neighbors was coming towards me down the sidewalk to visit our new puppy. Her three kids scurried down our driveway ahead of her as I stood on our side porch in hopeful anticipation of their visit. I held our new puppy by the collar so he wouldn’t run and jump on them. She came close to the porch, looked up at me and said quite sarcastically, “You need to get yourself some kids, not a dog.” My heart sank and I could feel my blood begin to boil.Even so, I calmly and nicely explained to her that we had been hoping to become pregnant but had been unsuccessful for quite some time. Out of hurt I wanted to respond unkindly, but thankfully my tongue did not get the better of me that day.

Infertility has felt like a cruel punishment that has ravaged my soul. In the past nine years I have often felt angry, sad, misunderstood, guilty and confused. Though I now have more peace and acceptance, I still have moments of feeling this way. In the midst of working through all of these emotions, I found it difficult to grasp I wasn’t in control of my situation.

At work one day, I practically collapsed in pain as I was standing at my desk. I was rushed to the hospital emergency. Through a simple ultra-sound, some sort of deformity was noticed on one of my ovaries. A discovery was made through surgery a few days later. It was strange coming out of my surgery and waking up to the reactions of my family around me at the hospital. They had heard what was wrong with me before I came out of the anesthesia. “What were their teary eyes for?” I wondered. I was really scared.

My reproductive organs were severely diseased with endometriosis. This finally explained my infertility and physical pain. However, the emotional pain of my infertility was far greater. I was about to learn it was what I did with that pain that would determine the future of my life and that of my husband’s. I could choose hopelessness and anger or I could choose hope and life. I knew I could not do it on my own. I needed my husband. I needed my family. I needed my friends. I needed my faith in God the most and it was put to the test.

As I was recovering from my surgery that weekend, I remember laying in bed feeling pretty depressed as I contemplated my infertility and the years of emotional pain it had caused me. My parents had come in from out of town to help take care of me. As they were getting ready to drive back home, my mom came over to me and knew I was not okay. She said, "Kathy, I'm not leaving here until I know you have hope." Instantly, my eyes swelled with tears. I was enjoying feeling sorry for myself. With my mother’s words however, hope it was going to be.

My mother brought up adoption. Bill and I had always thought about it but we always had the lingering notion that we "might get pregnant." The surgery had finally brought some closure to that notion. With my mom’s simple words, I felt as if something in my heart had opened up. I had the release and permission Bill and I had needed to move forward. If I had not been gifted with my mother's intuition that day, I'm sure my hopelessness might have eaten me up for a very long time. With the plan God had, there was only time for hope. I could cry later.

I wasted no time and immediately started calling adoption agencies the next week. In the meantime, someone told my mom that there were thousands of children in foster care in need of loving families. Sometimes they became available for adoption. Bill and I felt nervous and hesitant about caring for children in foster care. I knew these children usually came from some form of abusive and neglectful situation. We didn’t know if we could give these children all that they needed. But Bill and I felt that strong, burning, unexplainable tugging on our hearts. We focused on God’s truth that all life is precious and of no less value than ours. We had also been informed of the many resources available to help us take care of children with special needs.

We signed up for foster care training at our local adoption agency. We completed the classes and the home study and received our foster care license with the intention to adopt. Through many more miracles along the way, we adopted three sibling boys just a few months later.

Infertility is just like a death that requires a healthy amount of grieving to move forward and to find hope again. I am so thankful my husband and I found a way to embrace our pain. If we had not, we could not have given of ourselves to our three beautiful, special sons. Adoption has brought us together and we are a “forever” family. Our adoption through foster care has brought stability, hope, healing and love into three more lives.

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