Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Michelle

When you think of oppression what do you think? Do you think of slavery back in the 19th century? Perhaps the images of the women’s liberation movement flash through your mind. Maybe even the experience of an imperfect workplace can trigger the sense you tie to the word “oppression.” The American Heritage Dictionary defines oppression as “A feeling of being heavily weighed down in mind or body,” or the “arbitrary and cruel exercise of power.” This writer would like to bring to light a certain type of oppression that is probably never consciously addressed by the general mind outside of select silver screen or evening headline influences.

The dictionary defines a birthmother as “one’s biological mother.” Obviously, we do not grow up calling our mothers “birthmother.” The distinction between the words mother and birthmother were put in place by a society based on secrets more years ago than we can count. Today, the word birthmother generally means “biological mother of an adopted child.” Most of our culture has never heard the word “birthmother” and is therefore not attuned to the different types of oppression and prejudice that occurs every day to this unique and growing class of American citizens. The birthmother population is a secret and exclusive Club of Ambivalence (meaning they usually sit on “both sides of the fence” when it comes to their adoption decision). Before you come to know more about this group of neighbors you didn’t know you had take a moment to reflect on your thoughts and feelings concerning adoption, adoptive parents, the adopted children and this new term, birthmother.

Upon careful consideration of your thoughts and feelings that initially came to the surface did you find that you harbored some measure of hostility or uneasiness about birthmother population while siding on the plight of the adoptive parent? This is not uncommon. The purpose of this exercise is to bring to mind the sometimes-unknowing oppression of birthmothers that occurs in your life. To begin with I’ll cite an example of male oppression. A male boss treats the women in his office differently, more harshly and with less respect. That would not likely stand for very long in the politically correct realm of the workplace that we are starting to see more and more of. At the same time, a birthmother is treated the exact same when confronted with the life-changing decision she made concerning her child. It is near impossible to address the subject without generalizing a little bit and since I have personal experience I will generalize in such a way as to base my further observances and insights on fact while realizing that a vast majority of birthmothers may share in it while some will most definitely not.

Birthmother oppression may be a concept that has never been fully defined or understood. For the purposes of discussion I will attempt to explain it in an objective and complete manner. James L. Gritter is an amazing author and has bounded into the field of Open Adoption (where most birthparents find the “open oppression” easier than the relationship). In his writings he chronicles the stories of many different cases he has worked on since the beginning of open adoption, which was in our lifetimes. In an open adoption the child is no longer a secret to be kept only by the story of the mother “studying abroad” or “visiting sick Aunt Janie” for a convenient 9 months. The child is a real human being from the start and the mother is a concerned and active participant in a relationship with the child and the adoptive family after a placement. Because of this monumental difference between the “traditional” or closed system of adoption and the open system birthparents are now thrust out into the light. They go to restaurants and have dinner with the adoptive family. They go to birthday parties, weekend lake retreats and casual Thursday brunches in a home setting. In an ideal Open Adoption the birthmother is a permanent and consistent loved fixture in the child’s life. This is where the oppression and prejudice starts to seep in.

From the moment of the child’s conception many people she might encounter automatically put the birthmother into the “wayward” category. Even family members and close friends tend to side with perfect strangers on matters of opinion. Usually a pregnancy can be masked, but only for a short time as the inevitability of the situation becomes more obvious. This is heightened when the woman is younger, unmarried or has a religious background and good standing. She will invariably hear opinions right up until parental relinquishment paperwork is signed. Most of those opinions are meant to push, oppress and degrade the most fragile of emotional beings. Drawing from Gritter’s Lifegivers book I find an uncannily honest statement made by an anonymous woman concerning birthmother rights. The woman stated on a radio program, “As far as I’m concerned she lost all her rights the moment she laid on her back and spread her legs.” Fortunately, most commentary is not so grotesquely descriptive, but all of it is equally hurtful and oppressing.

Birthmothers are first piled with insult to add to the initial injury. As the pregnancy progresses they are forced to run down the gauntlet of ambivalence while trying to avoid the volley of comments, actions and thoughts thrust their way. Most commentary resembles the image of a lion running down the slowest gazelle. “How could you give your baby away? What kind of mother are you? I would never ever do something like that.” After the birthmother places her child with an adoptive family she is most likely to be ignored in what is her most desperate hour (more like desperate years) of need. Why? Because, “It is okay for parents to adopt children, it is just not okay for birthmothers to place them.”1

Why would a society choose to target such a class of extraordinarily strong women? Perhaps the media is partially to blame. Movies chronicling the adventurous heroism of adoptive parents chasing the “crazy birthmother” through back alleys after a midnight kidnapping heighten the feelings of anxiety towards the unknown (in this case, birthmother). Another definite scapegoat would have to be the innumerable years of secrecy when it came to adoption. A “can’t ask, don’t tell” policy that was strictly enforced with regard to the adoptive parents kept birthmothers in the dark and hiding. There was not a chance for anyone to learn anything about the humanity of these women unless you yourself happened to be one. Family members, husbands and previous or subsequent children often never found out about her secrets. Consequently, these and many other factors have all added up to equal a society that treats birthmothers as an abrasive pebble in its shoe. Deceit and aggression run high while compassion and understanding are lacking. How can we begin a change?

To end birthmother oppression one must first inform everyone that there are women out there called birthmothers. One must share the characteristics of an average, everyday birthmother and solicit an open mind. I am confident that once everyone has had a chance to speak with a birthmother they would find that the love she has for her child far outweighs any stones that could be thrown at her. Once society as a whole has met the woman they didn’t know lived right next door the oppression will start to fade just like when Americans began to realize that slaves were people with rights and feelings. The second step after flooding the world with information is to invite and empower the birthmothers to speak out and have their voices heard in this world. So many great things could come of it: adoption reform, more reunions, greater numbers of open adoptions and finally, acceptance of the birthmother population as a compassionate and human part of society.

I am a birthmother, if you have not already guessed. I am working to make this world a better place for the ones that came before me and the ones that will follow. While no woman makes a plan to become a birthmother (just as Johnny doesn’t plan to be a data entry tech when he grows up) it does happen. Adoption is not an illness, injury or disability. It is a reality that no woman should feel is more than she can bear. The support system must be there for her to survive and eventually flourish in newfound relationships with her child and adoptive family. Once social acceptance starts to filter in we can all look forward to a lessening and elimination of birthmother oppression.

References:

• www.dictionary.com
• Inspiration from Brenda Romanchik, veteran birthmother/author/counselor.
• 1 James L. Gritter, “Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption”
• James L. Gritter, “The Spirit of Open Adoption”

November is Adoption Awareness Month

Terminology:

Open Adoption- Adoption where complete and fully identifying information are shared with each member of the triad. Semi-Open adoptions generally only share this information and nothing else (redefining them more accurately to be semi-closed). Ideal open adoptions are situations where letters, pictures and phone calls are regularly exchanged between all triad members and face-to-face interaction between birth family and adoptive family happen in a frequent, regular and consistent basis.
Triad Member- Key member of an adoption; adoptee, birthparent or adoptive parent. The “triad” refers to a picture of a triangle where the child is the pinnacle and the two sets of parents are equally working together to create the best possible for this child. All are of equal value and importance within an adoption relationship.
Placement- When a child is physically put into an adoptive home by the birthparents or a third party.
Parental Relinquishment Papers- An affidavit terminating parental rights of the parent, signed under Texas law no earlier than 48 hours after the child’s birth.