Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Barbara Gowan

All people are a sum of their parts-- a mix of genetics, environment and life circumstances. These are the things that make us who we are. For children who are adopted, especially those with closed adoptions, we enter the world with missing pieces to the puzzle.

I was raised in a loving home with two adoptive parents. Most people did not know I was adopted, and it wasn’t often discussed. My adoptive mother did allow me to talk about adoption (if I brought it up), and supported my searching for my birth mother when I was old enough. She gave me the information that she had and never made me feel like I was a mistake. She really did the best she could with the information she had-- especially in the 1960’s when adoption wasn’t talked about as openly and there were not as many books on the market on how to give your adopted child what they need. That being said, my adoption still seemed to have more of an effect on me than my environment and life circumstances.

It is hard for a non-adopted person to understand the longing that some of us have to find our biological parents and the circumstances of our births. The thought that you always want what you cannot have is really true for some of us. Children who are not adopted take for granted knowing their family history, extended family members, and their sense of belonging. That sense of belonging seemed to rule most of my life. Despite having a loving family, I always felt I needed my own “real family”. I wanted to have a child to have someone who shared by “blood” and who would look like me.

Having four children of my own did give some sense of comfort in that area. I was married, divorced, and then married again. The need for family seemed to be the driving force in my life. I wanted to start my own family traditions. I wanted my children to have close relationships with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and especially grandparents. I wanted to give them everything that I longed for. I also wanted them to have so many people in their lives that they would never feel unloved. I feel that I have succeeded in this area, yet I still had this void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.

In 2004, after many failed attempts to find my birthmother, I hired an agency that located not only my birthmother but gave me information about her entire family background. I finally knew some of my roots. On our first phone call, she told me the name of my birthfather. I was able to contact him the next day. We confirmed his paternity with genetic testing and he welcomed me with open arms. I am a biracial woman and had many questions about the circumstances of my birth and my mixed heritage. I was able to learn about all of my history and able to meet in person all of the relatives in my father’s family. My birthmother wasn’t willing to meet me or share my existence with her family, except her husband and one of her children. This bothered me a great deal at first, but I found comfort in being grateful for the blessing I was given instead of focusing on what I didn’t have. How you deal with any situation in life is a choice. I choose to live by the serenity prayer, which says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I cannot change the circumstances of my birth, nor how any of my birth family responds to my existence. I cannot change my genetics, or my past. I can, however, make choices on how to deal with the life I have been given and move forward. I am a nurse and an educator, so I try to focus on educating my self and healing my mind, body, and spirit. I was not able to face how adoption drove my life until I sought therapy. Therapy helped me to identify my strengths and weaknesses. Reading has helped me to see adoption from many different perspectives. I learned that many of the feelings I had all of my life are very similar to feelings of other adoptees. The Internet is full of adoption web sites. I have been able to seek advice from others in my situation and chat with those who have been where I am. It is very important to have some type of support group, whether it is from friends and family, or even if it has to be from complete strangers you find at a site like adoption forums. The validation, advice, encouragement, and support I have received have been invaluable.

The greatest lesson I learned in my search and its aftermath is that I was a complete person all along. My faith has taught me that I was never an accident. God loved me all along. My adoptive family loved me. My friends loved me. My children and husband loved me. I had to learn that I was deserving of such a love. I had to love myself. We all go through trials and tribulations. That is inevitable. We must try to learn from each life experience in order to grow. We also must share what we have learned in order to help someone else. Some adoptees may never find their birth families. Some may find them and then be rejected. Some may find them and have wonderful relationships. We must remember that what we want may not be what they want.

Whether to search or not is an individual decision. I have met many people who chose not to. I have met some who have found success. We must be realistic about what we want and what to expect. We need to learn to help ourselves. We need to get help when we need it. Mostly, we need to realize that we are deserving of love. I am appreciative of those who have welcomed me into my biological family. I also have to accept those who have not. My greatest gift was realizing that I had people in my life all along who have always love me. I discovered I was very much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, wanting to see what else was out there for me. At the end of my journey, I was happy to click my heals and say, “There’s no place like home!” I had what I needed all along. I just didn’t see it.