Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Jan's Response:

Hi Tina,

Thanks for your kind feedback about our column! You didn't ask for advice about your sister's situation, but, I would like to offer some anyway - I hope you don't mind. I can certainly understand why in your sister's situation, you feel as you do about her birth parents. Every situation is somewhat different; some birth parents are better able to contribute in a positive way to their children's lives than others.

Because of the numerous problems of your sister's birth family, it does seem that their ability to have a good influence on her will be fairly limited in my opinion. I can imagine the temptation to completely write them off might be strong. And, I certainly agree protecting your sister should be the biggest consideration.

However, I think her birth parents are still part of who she is, her reality, and that contact should still take place if it is possible to do so and still protect her adequately. "These people" are the parents who created her and no matter how dysfunctional they are - they are part of her family, her roots. They may not have much positive to help raise her, but, they are not co-parenting her. Your parents have the sole responsibility to raise her well.

What they may be able to provide her is a sense of knowing who she is and where she came from, good or bad; she will know. She will be spared some of the "not knowing" that you have experienced. There will not be a need for her to wonder as many adoptees do about their identities and roots, who they look like or get various traits from. Nor will she have fantasy visions of some other parents out there in the world that she should have grown up with. Maybe knowing how dysfunctional her birth parents are, she might even appreciate your/her parents more fully.

Protecting our children is a big part of parenting, but, I do not believe in keeping our children safe, we must hide reality from them. I think we need to be very careful about how we present harsh realities to them, but, still be truthful and open. As hard as it might be, I think it is important not to make negative comments about your sister's birth family in her presence (or in her hearing distance.) It could affect how she feels about herself.

You did not say, but, I assume that someone has professionally evaluated the situation with your sister, and feels that contact with her birth parents is safe. If that is not the case, I think that would be a wise move. Maybe even to seek more than one professional opinion might be prudent.

You said if this were your child, you would not be able to allow contact. But, I think when raising children that we must often put our feelings aside and consider what in the long run is best for our children. Watching your sister and how SHE handles the contact should be a good indication as to whether contact should continue or not. Also, I would listen to the opinion of a trusted adoption professional.

Your sister is lucky to have you in her corner - you can be a very positive influence in her life since you are aware of some of the unique challenges that growing up adopted poses and can help her deal with them. Good luck in the journey with your sister!

Take care,

Jan

Linda's Response:

Hey there Tina,

Wow, thanks for the great feedback on the column. As Jan has stated, it is such important work, and it is great to know we have a place where people are helping people. It’s so hard to know what is right or not right, fair or unfair when it comes to adoption. Whenever there are feelings involved, there is often going to be some frustrations as well as joys. I think your parents just being open to the idea that your sister has a right to know when she is old enough to really understand is great. It seems they love her more than words can say, and she is blessed to have you on her side.

Adoption is a funny thing in many ways, and it seems in all these years we have not really come all that far in understanding how or what to do. But I imagine it is much like the rest of life. Try to live in balance, and take each day one day at a time.

I recently was blessed in finding my big sister, and I know I take comfort every day knowing that all though we missed out on years of knowing one another. We are as "at home" with each other as we can be. We take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Just knowing she is there and loves me makes the missing years easier to overlook.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Be blessed,

Linda