Adoption Week e-Magazine Article
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Build Rapport to Facilitate Teen Behaviour
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Managing teenagers is a full-time job for some parents as they turn themselves into
24-hour police to monitor the consequences doled out for misdeeds. The problem is
that a game of cat and mouse develops as the teen makes sure the parents have to
police them because they continue to look for ways to undermine the consequence. As
the game continues, the teen undermines the consequence and the parents look for
harsher, more restrictive consequences to apply. The net result is that resentment
builds and eventually the teen either runs away or the parent turns to tough love
and kicks them out. Long gone is the kind and loving relationship of earlier years
as both parents and teen spiral out of control.
When the relationship is spiraling out of control and parents find themselves at
their wits end, the challenge is to rise above the animosity in favour of
rebuilding the relationship. Harsher, more restrictive consequences will not bring
the teen “under control”. Slowly and deliberately practicing rebuilding strategies
can rekindle the relationship through which the parents may find increased
influence to provide direction and guidance as opposed to “control”.
The process starts with the parents going out of their way to find moments when
they can approach their teen with a fleeting interest in their activity or to
provide a positive comment. For instance, with the teen seated at the computer, the
parent can approach, place a hand gently on the shoulder and ask what they are
doing. Then nod, as if interested, make a neutral comment such as “oh”, or “aha”…
and then walk away. In the spiral of negativity this one neutral to positive
interaction will stand out. It will be a start to rekindling rapport with the teen.
On other occasions, perhaps when chauffeuring your teen hither and yon, make a
stop, such as at a donut store and offer to get your teen a treat. Such
positive “spontaneous” gestures also can go a long way to further the rapport
building exercise.
Throughout, step away from escalating the consequences, already proven to be
ineffective. Alternately, when your teen acts inappropriately, quietly and directly
express your disapproval and then walk away. You want to leave the teen thinking
about their behaviour, not yours. While you cannot control your teen’s behaviour,
you can control your own.
If there are serious concerns related to school attendance, drugs or alcohol, try
to discuss your concerns and if this isn’t possible, make an appointment with the
school counselor to address these or other issues. Demonstrate to your teen that
you will use appropriate strategies with their well-being in mind as opposed to
them feeling you are just trying to exert your will or control over them
through “discipline”.
If your child is violent, tell them that rather than engaging in counter-violence,
you will call the police and do so if need be.
It is not that your teen should avoid the consequences of their behaviour, but that
you should engage them in ways that can promote the relationship and your
influence. This is how you de-escalate the parent-teen conflict, build rapport,
continue to hold them accountable and help them develop appropriate life
skills.
It starts with the parents taking responsibility as the grown-up to foster the
relationship. While you may not believe it will work you know the other way didn’t.
Take the leap of faith and try.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice. Courts in Ontario,
Canada, consider Gary an expert on child development, parent-child relations,
marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an
expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work)
report.
