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Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Jan's Response XXXIII

This section is not intended to be search advice. It is an advice column for people with questions concerning their feelings, interested in the opinion of someone who can relate. The views expressed by this author is solely his own, and for which the author is responsible. The content within this column is not to be considered as professional medical, legal or behavioral health information to be used in diagnosis, treatment or actions that would require the consultation and/or services of a licensed, certified or accredited professional. These views do not necessarily represent the views of Adoption Week e- Magazine.

Question:

I have a 32-year-old birth son out there somewhere that has not surfaced. I did send one letter several years ago to the address I had for him; it was his adoptive parents' home address. No reponse. I have registered on this site and the International Soundex site. No response. I do know his full name and have a copy of the amended birth certificate. I am afraid of rejection if I were to try and write again (I now have a more updated mailing address).

Did your son approach you first? Or did you find him? What do think compelled your finding each other?

Robyn

Jan's Response:

Dear Robyn,

All my opinions on search and reunion have changed in the past few years since my own reunion. I now encourage nearly everyone now to search, but I did not search. I flat out was not brave enough - did not know how to, nor did I know if I should. Now, I am convinced that search and reunion should happen - and that either party is entitled to search. At times, I wish that I had searched and that we had been reunited years ago. Who knows, maybe he'd have been ready sooner, maybe not.

My son paid the agency that handled his adoption to search for me. He lives in a state with the intermediary system. So, once they found me, I received a call from a social worker telling me that my son was interested in contact. Then, after I signed some consent/waiver forms, they released our names and phone numbers to each other. So our first contact was via phone.

When I asked my son at some point why he searched for me, he at first said that he didn't know, but that it was just something he always thought that he would do. At the one-year point, he said that in the beginning that it was just curiosity on his part that made him want to know me. If I had searched for him, it would have been to resolve the lingering questions in my mind as to how he was and what he was like, and it would have been because he is my son and I love him - even though I did not raise him.

Rejection is a common fear with adoptees and birth parents. And to be honest with you, rejections do occur, but successful reunion relationships develop too. I do not know one person who has searched and found who regretted the search, no matter what the outcome. Not all searches end in contact and/or relationships, but many do.

Personally, I think it is well-worth the risk to try to reunite. My relationship with my son means the world to me, and despite the rough spots along the way, I love the opportunity to know him. I will not kid you; it has been very challenging, and it is for most people. But for me, reunion has given me some resolution and peace that nothing else could have. I love finally having the chance to know my son.

Best of luck,

Jan

Bio:

Jan is a reunited mother of a 35-year-old son who was relinquished at birth. She also has a daughter and a son whom she raised and is a proud grandmother of three. Jan has no counseling credentials or training, but offers her opinions based on her role as an active member of the adoption community.

Linda is an adoptee who found out by accident at age 7 that she was adopted. She told most of her adoption story in the new articles section for 15+ weeks. Earlier this year, she found her birth mother, who promised to call her, but several months later, she still awaits her birth mother's call.

Their opinions are not necessarily those of Adoption.com and are provided voluntarily on a weekly basis.

To submit your questions to Jan, e-mail janb91024@yahoo.com.

To submit your questions to Linda, e-mail Stardustkeepr@yahoo.com.

In order for your questions/comments to be answered in the next week's issue, questions need to be submitted before 12 noon each Wednesday.

In addition, please remember to keep your questions appropriate for Adoption Week e- Magazine; otherwise, they will not be answered or included in the next week's edition.

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