Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Linda Muzzin

I made my way towards the door and inside I was crying out, "I can’t leave you… I won’t leave you.” I knew my family could sense my pain, and as patient and loving as they have been through all of this, still they were.

I have had a lot of heartaches in this journey, some I am still encountering, like the first searcher I used. She accepted my money but held on to the information, baiting me for more money. I thought then I would never know. Then the show with the experienced doctor on it telling me to relax, “this is so easy we can find them and reunite you; don’t worry,” all the while only sucking the life out of me with my story to see if it was juicy enough for their ratings.

I have always felt there should be some right to the adult adoptee to know where they have come from, especially if there are siblings. Perhaps the parents didn’t or don’t want anything to do with the child they gave up, but more often than not, the biological siblings of the adoptees do.

I made my way to the car with the feeling of impending doom. I thought to myself when would I ever see her again? Will I ever have another opportunity to share more with her? I was so overly anxious to bombard her with questions from her childhood, but I knew for both of us, I had to take it slow.

My son Mike, and my daughter-in-law Katie, were filled with questions. How do you feel? Was it weird to finally see her face? Will you see her again?

I just sat there staring out the window, tears filling my eyes. And I said, without a doubt, "Yes, yes I will."

My son Mike was getting married in less than a week, so my emotions were already on edge. I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I wanted to be present emotionally and mentally for his big day, and yet I wanted now more than ever to find the others, and perhaps if all of us were to meet and get along then maybe...just maybe...my birth mom would come around and see I am not this ogre trying to take something from her or from the others.

When I got home, I cried and cried. Then I got in the shower and I cried some more… I just couldn’t believe after 40 years, there she was...one of my 10 siblings in the flesh. She was beautiful and loving and so very kind. I knew that if she were this together, the others just had to be, and it would be safe to press on in finding them. Then perhaps one day all of us would reunite together, and maybe even at some point, become close.

The next time Debbie and I spoke, I was so excited. I could not wait to tell her about the plans I had dreamt up in my head about getting the rest of the siblings together.

There was something very different in her voice...something I had not heard before, and I was stricken with fear.