Adoption Week e-Magazine Article
e-mail
Family of a Birth Father
Anonymous
There doesn't seem to be much here for the birth fathers' experiences or feelings. Or for the current spouses and children of the birth fathers.
My husband was contacted by his adoptee daughter 3 years ago, she is now 29. They maintained sporadic email contact during that 3 year period. He didn't push her and left the pace of contact up to her. He would always be thrilled when he would get an email from her and promptly responded each time he received one. While he was always honest with me about her existence from the beginning of our courtship, he didn't have any real information about her, up until that point of initial contact from her. Over the years, I've always been supportive of him, and shared with him his hope that someday they would meet. At an appropriate age, I told our children about the other child that someday may come into our lives. My husband and I had talked many times about how he always expected that someday there would be an unexpected phone call or that knock at the door from his first child. A child who wants some answers, maybe be a part of the family, or perhaps just to meet only one time. We talked about the guilt and helplessnes he felt as a teenager with no way to support a family, and no real input or say-so in the matter whatsoever, the guilt he felt from leaving her mother alone to deal with this. The birth mom was sent across the country, by her parents, to stay until the baby was born and them given up for adoption. His own parents felt this was the best thing to do as well. So he didn't have anyone to confide in or help him cope.
No one ever tells you how to deal with this as a birth father. No one seems to care about the birth father, it's as if he was just an anonomous sperm donor. No thoughts, no cares, no emotions, no feelings, no remorse, no guilt. Just a tube of sperm. Wham bam thank you ma'am. Worthless than pond scum. There is no information on the internet about how his current spouse and their children are affected by reunion either. There is little information about the fathers and their current families at all.
As a birth father's spouse I was very upset to learn that after 3 years of correspondence and false starts to a reunion, with my husband and his daughter, to learn when they finally did meet, the birth mom showed up half way thru the meeting. She had 3 years to develop a relationship with the daughter prior to this. And now she had to intrude on my husband's reunion with his daughter. The past planned reunions were cancelled at the last minute, because the daughter had plans with the birth mom. My husband of course wasn't even told of, or aware that contact was made with the birth mom initially. He didn't intrude on her time, he wasn't allowed, he wasn't told about it until it was over. I was very upset to learn about that after the reunion. I have my own insecurities and issues with that situation.
Apparently, as a spouse, I'm not entitled to any feelings of any kind. Apparently, I'm invisible. I'm just supposed to be supportive at all costs and at all times. I'm to just shut up and stay out of the way. I'm told it isn't my concern and none of this should affect me or my emotions at all. Despite the fact that this reunion affects my children, my family and my marraige. As the spouse, I'm the outsider. I'm just totally excluded and left to explain things, that I don't know or fully understand myself, to my own grown children. Children who are now being asked to accept this new stranger into their lives as a sister with arms wide open. A sister that is now an adult. A sister that we no little about. A sister that we must all walk on egg shells around. Because we know that she's fearful of rejection. She has been rejected by one or some of the siblings on her birth mom's side. We don't know any details other than that.
I have a son who's 25, just completing a year of armed service in Iraq. He doesn't understand why we have to care so much about someone who drags things out and procrastinates meetings, someone that we don't even know. She just blew into our lives out of no where. He has his own issues to deal with now, and doesn't care to walk on egg shells. He has the mindset, take me or leave me as I am. You want to meet me fine, if you don't, that's fine too. I'm not going to walk on egg shells for you. I've got my own life, my own issues and my own problems to deal with. He isn't going to reject her if she's pleasant, but he sure isn't going to kiss her butt either, or go out of his way to make the first move. He doesn't seem to understand what all the fuss is about. He has always been the oldest child in our family and a son. He also holds the honor of being the first grandchild on his fathers side of the family. This whole situation upsets what he has always felt and known as his place in the family.
My daughter on the other hand, is shy and uncomfortable around strangers and those she doesn't see often. She has trouble socializing. She is curious and would like to eventually meet her half sister. But she needs to have some of her own time and space to get to know her. So I have suggested that maybe she send an email to her half sister. Take it slow and easy, just get to know small things about each other first. Then after some time, arrange to meet, maybe it won't feel as awkward. At the same time I have to prepare my daughter that her correspondence may not be wanted. She may never receive a response at all. So all the while, I'm trying to be the neutral one in the family and hear everyone out, but no one wants to hear from me. I'm the invisible spouse of a birth father.
