Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Doug Dittbenner

On the five year anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks on the U.S. I think of many things. I think of all the people's lives that were affected by the insane actions of extreme minds in what used to seem like distant worlds apart. I think of the things that are bad in this world and feel helpless about fixing them or having control of what happens to all of us. I think many people have the same thoughts these days with all of the bad news on the airwaves and print media. Personally I think there should be at least two days a week dedicated to "good news" stories even if the hard hitting news agencies consider the information or story to be fluff. It can’t hurt the American psyche once-in-awhile to hear something on the news or in the papers that isn’t related to death, violence, drugs, national disasters etc.

My story, at least to me, is something that gives me hope and puts things in perspective when I look at what could have happened.

As an adopted child from birth, I was, like many other adoptees, interested in locating one or both of my birth parents. My story started when my (adoptive) Mom gave me non-identifying information about my birth mother, along with letters that were written to and from the adoption agency in St. Paul MN. This is fairly standard for adoptees when they become old enough to understand that they did not "come from" the same place as some of their friends, from a biographical perspective. This for me was the start of what could possibly be a life long challenge to locate my birth mom and meet her at some point in time.

I was gung ho for a while. I made calls to the Agency and tried to get information to help locate to no avail. In 1967 the records were sealed and you could not get them unsealed unless the birth mom proactively opened the record by written permission after 1977 or something like that.

I went through high school and then attended college like many kids do, and had another chance to try and look her up. I made up a plan to write an assignment, by faking a paper for school on adopted kids who wanted to find their birth parents. I called the hospital where I thought I was born and said that I was doing a Mayo Research paper and need case studies, etc.

They said no, of course, to the requested information and that by law no records could leave the Records Room without a court order or permission from the Agency. So another dead end.

I did end up calling the Agency and asking them what the options were and was informed that after a search request it could be up to two years, and would cost $900 with no guarantees, and if my birth mother was contacted and did not want to have contact with me, it was over for good. So with college expenses, no patience, and no money, I forgot about it again for what would be almost 15 years.

Thirty-four years young now, my wife and I are trying to have our 1st child, who would come to be named Magen. During this plight to become pregnant, we saw a fertility counselor and ran some tests etc to see if we could in fact become pregnant, or at least is she could. During our counseling sessions the Dr. asked for medical history of each family. I of course told her I was adopted at birth and had no medical history whatsoever to provide, and had never had contact with anyone because of that fact. And this is where the story moves a little faster.

My wife continued a fertility drug treatment which paid off and she became pregnant. At the same time we have decided to move forward with a "medical history" search for my birth mother through the Lutheran Social Services of MN. There of course were no guarantees that after 35 years they would find her or if she was even alive or in the area.

My Agency rep, Heather, called me on the Monday morning and said she would be handling my case and conducting the search based on the records they had at the Adoption Agency. She informed me that she had some good information and would get back to me when she knew more. I, of course, was very skeptical of the whole operation and of the probability that something so improbable might happen.

Heather called me at work on Tuesday and said she had located the original birth certificate and had some names to go on, and would continue to work on the case. I said great, and let me know what you find out.

Then the call came just two days later on the firstt week we started the search for my birth mother. At roughly 9 a.m. on that Thursday, Heather called me and told me to sit down, and that she had spoken to my birth mother just minutes before on the phone. I was kind of in shock that this had happened so fast and that she was really alive and somewhere talking to my case worker on the phone.

Heather explained to me that my newly found birth mother did not know what to think and needed time to understand what had just happened herself and she would be in touch with the case worker. Heather explained that per the law, I could leave all of my information with her, and she would then relay any information (Name, City, Phone Numbers, etc.) to my birth mother. It would be up to her at that point to make direct contact with me, if she decided that was what she wanted to do.

I felt so helpless at this point knowing that I was so close and that I had no control to reach out and make a phone call and just talk to her and introduce myself and tell her that I was ok and she made the right choice so long ago.

I waited for a couple hours, not getting much done, as my mind was in a different place as you can imagine. Then came the most important call of my life. The phone rang like it always does and I answered like I always do, but this time it was not a customer or a friend, it was my birth mother, live and in-person on the phone. Wow, 35 years with no contact and then suddenly after only a three day search, I was talking with her, not really knowing what to say, which was ackward at the time, but maybe to be expected.

My birth mother explained that she was very happy to hear my voice, and that she was sorry for giving me up for adoption, but that it was the best for all. I told her that is one of the reasons I wanted so much to find her, was to tell her that she did the right thing and that I wanted to tell her about all the things that went right for me because of her braveness at the time back on September 3, 1967.

Then she explained why she was so easy to find that week through the Lutheran Social Services. She said that Heather had called the last know phone number left on the file at the time of the adoption, which happened to be her old house in Crystal, MN. Her Mom answered and told Heather that she was home visiting her sisters and offered up that phone number to get a hold of her daughter at her sister's place in Rockford, of course not know at the time that she was a case worker for the Agency.

I then realized that things in this world sometimes happen for a reason, as Irene explained to me why she was home visiting her family back in Minnesota. Irene explained that over the last 12 years of her life she had been a flag writer in the US Navy and was, at that time, working out of the Pentagon for a Navy Fleet Admiral. She explained in tears that the events of 9-11 almost got in the way of our first conversation taking place at that time. She then told me that she was in the Pentagon on the top floor of the outer ring of the building and missed getting killed by about 40 feet. She said if you see a picture of the Pentagon from the front, there is a blackened window still in tact that was not taken out by the airplane that day. She was in that office at the time of the attack, but many of her co-workers just feet from her were not so lucky.

I met my birth Mom, Irene, for the first time that same week in Minneapolis. This was two months after 9-11 and the attacks that almost killed her. I feel like I am the luckiest person (adoptee) in the world and continue to talk with Irene and have met my biological extended family mostly located in the Minneapolis area. In fact I purchased my first house only minutes away from where Irene grew up.