Adoption Week e-Magazine Article
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Am I spoiling my disabled child?
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Q: My child has a serious developmental disability and my partner says I am spoiling him. What should I do?
A: Managing the behaviour of a child with a developmental disability can be a challenge, depending on the nature of the disability.
Add to this the fact that some parents feel guilty about their child's disability.
Indeed, some disabilities, such as fetal alcohol syndrome, are caused by maternal alcohol abuse during pregnancy, while for other disabilities such as autism, the cause is unknown.
When a parent feels badly or guilty about their child's disability, no matter what the reason, it can alter their care of the child.
Some parents may place inappropriately high expectations on the child, believing that with tremendously hard work, the child will become "normal."
Other may seek to simply keep their kids "happy," and so will not have any meaningful expectations of the child.
Either way, when bad or guilty feelings dictate the care, the child's needs may not be met.
The child may rebel from overly high expectations and behaviour may become difficult. Or a child may not reach full potential, owing to the lack of expectations.
If there is an argument between parents as to the child's abilities and parental expectations, counselling would likely be helpful as would a clear assessment of the child's abilities, needs and preferable methods of management.
By seeking an outside opinion, the parents can receive direction not only on how to meet the child's needs, but also on how to avoid subjecting the child to parental conflict and unhelpful expectations.
To find out about services for children with developmental disabilities, go to the Services menu at contacthamilton.ca and click on the link Agencies Serving People with Developmental Disabilities or phone Contact Hamilton at 905-570-8888.
A social worker for more than 25 years, Gary Direnfeld is recognized by Ontario courts as an expert in parent-child relationships, child development and family therapy as well as custody and access issues.
