Adoption Week e-Magazine Article

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Q: We use positive reinforcement raising our two-year-old. It has been working very well, praising good behaviour and ignoring her during tantrums after explaining her limits and our reasons. We don't believe in spanking. Other members of our family tell us that, sooner or later, all kids will need to be spanked, as other forms of discipline won't work as effectively. Is this really true?

A: As I have written in this space before, spanking instills anger and shame. It can make kids withdraw or harbour resentment. It teaches kids that it's OK to use violence to solve conflicts. And it trains children to avoid getting caught doing wrong rather than to not do wrong in the first place.

Typically, those who spank excessively are considered authoritarian in their parenting style. An authoritarian parenting style tends to offers little in the form of verbal guidance and direction, or kind nurturing.

Those who reject that style in view of their own childhood experience often swing the parenting pendulum far the other way and become permissive in their parenting style.

The permissive parent may rely upon lengthy explanations or believe that good emotional talks and understanding will direct their child's behaviour.

While you may explain matters to your two-year-old, because of his limited language comprehension, your child may be listening only for the pleasure of your attention. This may inadvertently reinforce poor behaviour, contrary to your intention.

Children do require clear expectations, limits, structure and consequences. The parenting style best suited is known as authoritative.

The authoritative parent offers a brief explanation, uses redirection, natural consequences and non-physical discipline strategies to direct behaviour.

The authoritative parents may negotiate with their child, but within clear limits determined by the parent.

Typically, we use a very limited explanation with toddlers, then redirecting or removing an object that may be the focus of inappropriate use.

Say "no" when it is clear your child should not be doing something. Learning "no" protects your child from harm. Children must respond quickly when they are about to touch the stove or run into traffic.

Be balanced in your parenting style; loving and firm, supportive but with clear expectations. Be authoritative.

Gary Direnfeld is a Dundas social worker specializing in parent-child relationships.