1. ANNOUNCEMENT

WE MOURN THE LOSS OF A PIONEER
Adoption.com is sad to announce the passing of William L. Pierce, PhD., the founding president of The National Council for Adoption (NCFA). Dr. Pierce served as the organization's president for 20 years and passed away on January 13, 2004. We extend our prayers and condolences to his family, colleagues, and many friends at this time.

ADOPTION NEWS AND ARTICLES UPDATED 5 DAYS A WEEK
The new Adoption.com home page has a "News & Articles" section that is updated with new headlines Monday through Friday. We encourage you to visit http://Adoption.com each day to find out the latest adoption news and articles.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN A CANADIAN ADOPTION BOOK?
Adoption.com is developing a new Canadian adoption section, and we are looking for authors who have written books about Canadian adoption, who would sell us an electronic license to reprint the books on our site. Authors could retain all rights to the print versions of the books, if desired. For more information, contact editor@adoptionweek.com.

ADOPTION.COM UNVEILS NEW HOME PAGE
The Adoption.com home page has been re-designed to help our visitors more easily find what they are looking for and improve the user experience. You will soon see this new look and feel on the sub-pages of the site. Visit http://www.Adoption.com, and let feedback@adoptionmedia.com know what you think of our new home page. We'd love to know what you think.

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2. NEW ARTICLES

The views expressed by the authors are solely their own, and for which the authors are responsible. These views do not necessarily represent the views of Adoption Week e-Magazine.

Re: Gail and Her 8 Children - Compilation of Responses
My husband and I have eight adopted children living at home. Our home is paid for, as are our vehicles etc. We have a large house with several empty bedrooms, 5 acres of land, and everything we need for more children which we dearly would like to be a family for. The problem is that eight is the maximum that human services will allow in one family. We don't have the capital to put into international adoptions or private agency adoptions. We are stymied on how to find ways to adopt more children. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=404

Tantrums Getting the Better of You? - new article contributed by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
While redirection is the key for managing behaviour at age two, if tantrums persist at age three, ignoring such behaviour is the next strategy parents should try. Ignoring tantrums teaches the child that this behaviour doesn’t work and so they often stop. Ignoring really means withholding attention for misbehaviour, but, and very importantly, it is also a must that parents do provide attention for appropriate behaviour. This is usually in the form of verbal feedback, praise, hugs and kisses. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=405

To Katmandu, with Love: An Adoptive Mom’s Journal V - new article by Cynthia Yoder
All of this asking for signs is starting to feel abnormal. Trust! Trust! I keep e-mailing people who have adopted children, and they all say, Trust! I suppose it’s like being pregnant, when I went through those awful tests to determine the health of our child. Trust! Wanting to clobber the scientist who came up with these tests – and at the same time, taking them and wringing hands until the results were in. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=406

Read these articles at http://Magazine.Adoption.com, and submit your adoption-related articles to editor@adoptionweek.com for publication in Adoption Week e-Magazine and Adoption.com.

By submitting content, you represent that you have the rights to this content and that you give Adoption.com and Adoption Week the right to reprint this content on the internet, via e-mail, and in print form.

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3. ADOPTION NEWS

Government Toughens Adoption Regulations (Indonesia)
Both Indonesian and foreign couples will be allowed to adopt a child if they have one or fewer children of their own. Adoptive parents must be between 30 and 50 years of age, economically and socially stable, and in good health. Read the rest of this article at: http://www.adoption.com/includes/frame.php?url=http://www.thejakartapost.com/detailnational.asp?fileid=20040112.C05&irec=7.

Search for Birth Mother Leads Man to Nashville (TN)
The Rev. Ted A. Hartley delayed his quest to search for several years. He never wanted to hurt his adoptive mother, so he postponed the Internet searches, the grinding perusal of dusty courthouse records and the ongoing advice of adoptive support groups until after her death. Read the rest of this article at: http://www.adoption.com/includes/frame.php?url=http://www.tennessean.com/local/archives/04/01/45408483.shtml?Element_ID=45408483.

Marketing Kids Online (KY)
The goal is to recruit adoptive parents by marketing available American children. Adoptive workers say without marketing and recruitment, many hard-to-place children would never be adopted. However, some wonder about the effect on the children. Read the rest of this article at: http://www.courier-journal.com/features/2004/01/20040111adoptions.html.

State Law Adapting to New Kinds of Families (CA)
The Fords never formally adopted Bean, and when Pat Ford died in 2000, 27 years after his wife succumbed to cancer, he left no will and an estate worth roughly $600,000. Ford's nearest blood relatives, a nephew and a niece who had not seen their uncle for 15 years, stepped in to claim the money. But Bean, now 50, argues that he was "equitably adopted'' by the Fords because they raised him as their child. Read the rest of this article at: http://www.adoption.com/includes/frame.php?url=http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/01/12/ADOPT.TMP.

If any of the links to the news articles do not work, visit http://www.adoption.com/news for a list of headlines.

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4. ADOPTION LAW & POLICY NEWS

January 6, 2004

WEEKLY NEWS SUMMARY

LOUISIANA: “WITHOUT PRIVACY, SOME WON’T CHOOSE ADOPTION” - Opinion by Cecile Watters Tebo
The trend toward open adoption, a relatively new concept utilizing agreements for post-adoption contact embraced by many adoptive families and birth parents, is out of step with one adoption counselor’s experience with birth parents. According to Watters Tebo, birth parents typically highly value full confidentiality, and the existing dual-party registry system allows for the retention of that confidentiality. Birthparents are likely to be dissuaded from the option of adoption if total confidentiality is at risk now or in the future.
The Times-Picayune, Thursday, December 25, 2003
http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/index.ssf?/base/news-2/1072337406325180.xml

ARIZONA: “COURT ALLOWS FOSTER CARE SUIT FOR ‘DELIBERATE INDIFFERENCE’” - by Howard Fischer
The Arizona Supreme Court has held that, while social workers still have immunity for misconduct, if they act with ‘deliberate indifference’ in placing a child in foster care, the state and its employees can be sued. The Court illustrated the definition of ‘deliberate indifference’ with the example of a placement situation in which social workers ignore information or even refuse to obtain information that, if considered, would reveal a danger to the child.
Arizona Daily Sun, Tuesday December 18, 2003
http://www.azdailysun.com/non_sec/nav_includes/story.cfm?storyID=78872

TENNESSEE: “STATE GETS MORE TIME TO WORK OUT FOSTER CARE PROBLEMS”
As part of the settlement of a contempt motion in a lawsuit by Children’s Rights, Inc. against the state of Tennessee, the State agreed to develop an implementation process for compliance with the requirements of a settlement agreement entered in the case of “Brian A.” in July 2001. Under the terms of the new agreement, the State will have an additional 15 months to meet the requirements, which include a four year reform plan for the state Department of Children’s Services.
The Nashville Business Journal, Tuesday, December 30, 2003
http://nashville.bizjournals.com/nashville/stories/2003/12/29/daily8.html

CALIFORNIA: “REPORT: L.A. FOSTER CARE SYSTEM ONE OF MOST DANGEROUS IN NATION”
According to an investigation by the Los Angeles Daily News, children in foster care in Los Angeles county are up to 10 times more likely to die of abuse and neglect than those in foster care elsewhere. The News reports that 6-28% of children in foster care in Los Angeles County have been abused or neglected, a figure comparable to the rate in New Jersey, which is widely regarded as child welfare experts as having the most dangerous child welfare system in the nation. David Sanders, director of the county Department of Family and Human Services, while noting that the department’s efforts have saved hundreds of children over the years, says the statistics are “a reflection of a system that isn’t working.”
The Mercury News, Sunday December 28, 2003
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/local/7585708.htm

MARYLAND: “GROWING UP TOGETHER, THANKS TO ADOPTION” - by Laurie Willis
Marlee and Mark Wovas are only two of the small but growing number of adoptive parents willing to adopt multiple children. In adopting twin brothers, the Wovas’ satisfied two needs identified by many adoption experts: giving children a home and preventing them from having to suffer a second round of separation anxiety. The Wovas’ adoption was through a private agency, but there is also a non-profit organization in Maryland that is devoted to locating adults who are willing to adopt sibling groups. Communities of Care/Maryland, founded in 1998, was modeled on an Illinois program.
SunSpot.net Maryland, January 1, 2004
http://www.sunspot.net/news/local/bal-md.adoption01jan01,0,1311968.story?coll=bal-local-headlines

HAWAII: “NORTH SHORE WOMAN FACES FEDERAL CHARGES RELATED TO CAMBODIAN ADOPTION SERVICE” - by Tom Finnegan
A Hanalei woman faces charges of conspiracy to commit visa fraud in a Seattle federal court stemming from her involvement in the adoption of children from Cambodia. Lauryn Galindo, her sister, Lynn Devin, and Devin’s company, Seattle International Adoptions, Inc., were charged with buying Cambodian children from their parents, representing them as orphans, and then facilitating their adoptions. The agency was closed in December after Devin reached a plea agreement with prosecutors. She will be sentenced on March 12th. Galindo, who noted in a 2002 article in The Cambodian Daily that she had received numerous awards from the Cambodian government, contends that she is really a humanitarian who aids the children who come under her care. Her indictment charges that a visa was granted for a supposed orphan, but that Galindo and the adoptive parents actually had met with the birth mother.
Kauai Garden Island News, Monday January 5, 2004
http://www.kauaiworld.com/articles/2004/01/05/news/news03.txt

January 9, 2004

WEEKLY CASE SUMMARY

Significant Cases

Agency Liability

STATE, DIV. CHILD & FAM. SERVS. V. DISTRICT COURT

Department of Children’s Services petitioned for writ of mandamus challenging family court’s order directing it to release to a child in its custody the names and addresses of the child’s siblings and those of the siblings’ adoptive parents so the child could serve her request for visitation on them. In denying the petition, the state supreme court held that the family court was within its jurisdiction to order disclosure of the information to the child’s attorney for the sole purpose of effecting service. The court noted the close bond between the child and her siblings had been recognized in a family court order specifically providing for a visitation plan to be set up before any of the children were adopted. Alluding to the Department’s disregard of this order, the court stated, “DCFS, as the minor girl's custodian, has a continuing obligation to act in her best interests. However, DCFS has acted exactly to the contrary by myopically promoting the adoptive families' privacy rights at the expense of the child's right of association with the only family that she has.” The court characterized as specious the Department’s argument that the child had no right to seek visitation because she failed to file for visitation prior to termination of her siblings’ parental rights; rather, the Department, as custodian of the minor child, had the obligation to file such a petition, not the child.
Cite: Case No. 40269, 2003 Nev. LEXIS 87 (December 30, 2003)
http://www.leg.state.nv.us/scd/119NevAdvOpNo68.html

Rights of Biological Relatives
Privacy of Records and Proceedings

ROWEY V. CHILDREN'S FRIEND AND SERVICE
Plaintiffs, adoptive parents and children, sued adoption agency in 1998 on claims including misrepresentation and breach of duty related to adoption finalized in 1983. Prior to child’s placement with them in 1982, parents had informed agency they would not take a child with special needs. Prior to finalization of the adoption, because of child’s negative behaviors, parents requested genetic history. A brief history was provided in 1985, more than a year after finalization. When child’s behavioral problems continued, one of her doctors requested additional history. In 1995, agency informed adoptive parents of birth parents’ negative histories, including prenatal drug use by birth mother, for the first time. Plaintiffs moved for partial summary judgment on their claims. Agency moved to strike parents’ supporting affidavits as contradictory to their deposition testimony. Although holding that resolution of Plaintiffs’ substantive claims on summary judgment was inappropriate because fact issues existed, the trial court found it proper to consider their claims related to statutes of limitations and child’s standing since these constituted affirmative defenses. The court held the limitations period on parents’ claims was not tolled under state fraudulent concealment statute and those claims were thus time-barred; children’s claims were timely under application of the minority tolling statute; and adopted child’s alleged psychological injuries did not confer standing to sue upon her. The court also struck certain affidavit statements, although holding the affidavits did not clearly contradict the deposition testimony.
Cite: C.A. No. 98-0136, 2003 R.I.Super LEXIS 153 (December 12, 2003)
http://www.courts.state.ri.us/superior/pdf/98-0136.pdf

Types of Adoption – Stepparent
Putative Fathers – Notice of Adoption Proceedings

IN RE ADOPTION OF S.A.J.
The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania affirmed an appellate court’s decision reversing and remanding the trial court’s order granting the putative father’s petition to vacate the final adoption decree providing for a stepfather to adopt his wife’s child. The Supreme Court held that the doctrine of judicial estoppel barred the putative father from trying to obtain custody of the child and from claiming he was the father of the child based on his prior words and conduct because eleven years earlier, the putative father successfully maintained that he was not the father of the child in a child-support proceeding.
Cite: No. 163 MAP 2002, 2003 Pa. LEXIS 2363 (Pa. Dec. 17, 2003)
Web link: http://www.courts.state.pa.us/OpPosting/Supreme/out/J-58-2003mo.pdf

T.P. V. DEP’T OF CHILDREN & FAMILY SERVICES
The Court of Appeals for the Fifth District of Florida affirmed the circuit court’s order terminating the mother’s parental rights to her child, relying on precedent from that District that the Florida statute providing for termination of parental rights to a child when parental rights to a sibling of the child have been previously involuntarily terminated. The Court concluded that the behavior of the mother that led to termination of her parental rights with regard to her other children was an adequate indicator to uphold termination with respect to the child in question. The Fourth district Court of Appeals of Florida recently held that the same statute relied upon by this Court was unconstitutional. Thus, the Court certified this conflict.
Cite: No. 5D02-3671, 2003 Fla. App. Lexis 18798 (Fla. Ct. App. Dec. 12, 2003)
Web link: http://www.5dca.org/Opinions/Opin2003/120803/5D02-3671.op.pdf

Foster Care and Constitutional Rights Issues

BRAAM EX REL. BRAAM V. STATE DEPT. OF SOCIAL AND HEALTH SERVICES
The Washington Supreme Court vacated a trial court’s issuance of an injunction which mandated numerous changes to the state’s foster care system. The Washington Supreme Court held that the jury was incorrectly instructed on the foster children’s substantive due process rights. Specifically, the court held that the State, as custodian and caretaker of the children, is liable for harm allegedly caused by violation of a foster child’s substantive due process right to be free from unreasonable risk of harm and to reasonable safety only when the child’s care, treatment and services ‘substantially depart from the accepted professional judgment, standards or practice.’ The court further held that that in the class action, plaintiffs were not entitled to pursue any private cause of action under state statutes or the Child Welfare Act.
Cite: No. 72598-5, 2003 Wash. LEXIS 894 (Wash. Dec. 18, 2003)
Web link: http://www.courts.wa.gov/opinions/index.cfm?fa=opinions.opindisp&docid=725985MAJ

WEATHERFORD V. STATE
The Supreme Court of Arizona affirmed in part, and reversed in part, an appellate court’s ruling with respect to the circumstances under which a child placed in foster care may bring an action based upon 42 U.S.C. § 1983 against individual state workers for violating the foster child’s substantive due process rights. The Court concluded that a foster child can establish § 1983 liability against a state official by showing that “the official, without justification, acted with deliberate indifference by placing a child in foster care or by maintaining a placement when the official knew that the placement exposed the child to danger or would have known of the danger but for the official’s deliberate indifference.” Applying this standard, the Court found that the trial court’s grant of summary judgment was not proper under 42 U.S.C.A. § 1983, because there was a genuine issue of material fact as to whether the social workers acted with deliberate indifference in their placement and monitoring of the child.
Cite: No. CV-02-0369-PR, 2003 Ariz. LEXIS 143 (Ariz. Dec. 17, 2003)
Web link: http://www.supreme.state.az.us/opin/pdf2003/CV_02_0369_PR.pdf

Other Cases of Interest

Termination of Parental Rights – Process

IN THE INTEREST OF B.C.
The Iowa Court of Appeals reversed the juvenile court’s order refusing to vacate a judgment terminating a father’s parental rights. The appellate court held that the juvenile court did not have personal jurisdiction over the father at the time the termination order was entered because there was no publication notice in the file or a showing of diligent inquiry prior to service by publication. Accordingly, the appellate court found that the termination order was void. In addition, the appellate court concluded that the father was a necessary party to the termination proceedings because he was a known and living parent.
Cite: No. 03-738, 2003 Iowa App Lexis 1091 (Iowa Ct. App. Dec. 10, 2003)
Web link: http://www.judicial.state.ia.us/appeals/opinions/20031210/03-0738.asp

IN RE TANGHE
Because the district court did not enter specific findings on the best interests of the children in a termination-of-parental-rights proceeding, the appellate court was unable to conduct an effective appellate review to determine whether the district court adequately considered the statutorily mandated best-interests factors. The appellate court therefore remanded the case for findings on the children's best interests.
Cite: Case No. A03-760, 2003 Minn. App. LEXIS 1526 (December 30, 2003)
Web link: http://www.lawlibrary.state.mn.us/archive/ctappub/0312/opa030760-1230.htm

Credit: National Center for Adoption Law & Policy
Link: http://www.law.capital.edu/adoption

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5. ADOPTION BOOK CLUB

WAITING FOR YOU: An Heirloom Adoption Journal for My Future Child
Because you already love a child you have never met! This sturdy and beautiful lifebook will help you create a keepsake for your family for years to come. Waiting For You provides a safe place to keep family photographs, record personal history, and document the adoption process. The inclusive language adjusts to fit your diverse adopting scenarios including single parent or older child.

For more information on this book, visit More Info.

Find 1,400+ other adoption products at adoptionshop.com.

To share your favorite adoption book with others, join the Adoption Book Club on AdoptionLists.com at http://adoptionlists.com/index.php?action=lists&listname=adoptionbookclub.

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6. MEET NEW HOPEFUL ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Franz & Debbie (NY)
I was adopted as an infant and Franz was adopted as a teenager by his step-dad. I will be a stay-at-home mom. Franz is a professional firefighter. We are so excited to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, 3 am feedings and the joys of being parents. To view Franz and Debbie's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db10835.html.

Rex & Linda (CA)
We are a happy couple who laugh alot and want to raise a child in a home filled with smiles and laughter. We have so much love to share and through open adoption we hope to share this love with you and your child. To view Rex and Linda's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db9760.html.

Ken & Heather (IL)
Hello! We're Ken, Heather, & Kenny (age 6, adopted). In Kenny's words, the best part about our family is "We get to spend a lot of time together and we have a lot of fun!" Heather is a stay-home mom, Ken is a really fun dad, and Kenny can wait to be a big brother! To view Ken and Heather's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db9971.html.

Thomas & Sheryl (NJ)
Adoption has changed our lives on so many different positive levels -- we very anxiously and very excitedly await the day when we can share this joy with another child. To view Thomas and Sheryl's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db7415.html.

Kristoffer & Kathy (CA)
Hi! We like hiking, rollerblading, traveling, and sight-seeing, and we can think of no greater joy and adventure than that of raising a child together. We look forward to learning about the hopes and dreams you have for yourself and for your child. To view Kristoffer and Kathy's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db6044.html.

Are you pregnant? Visit Profiles.Adoption.com to find the right adoptive parents for your baby.

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7. FEATURED WAITING CHILD

Michael has a natural talent for sports and loves outside activities such as soccer, baseball, swimming, camping, and fishing. He gets along well with peers and does well in group and team sports activities with older children. Michael needs to work on extreme behaviors and improving relationships with children and staff. He has no physical disabilities and takes medication for ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and mood stabilization. He is doing well at school and is passing all his subjects, but may be learning disabled. The ideal family for Michael would be willing to deal with his mood swings. They would be able to provide him with the support and patience he deserves.

Photolisting.Adoption.com is a free community service of Adoption.com featuring more than 1,700 children awaiting loving, permanent homes. Add your agency's waiting children to the most popular adoption website, and help them find loving homes faster. E-mail exchange@adoptablekids.com for info.

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8. ADOPTION GEM

9. ADOPTION BUZZ

Reasons for Searching: - Just Turned 18 and Thinking of Looking.
http://forums.adoption.com/t129843.html

How I Found Out: - When You Know Someone is Adopted and They Don't
http://forums.adoption.com/t120843.html

Birthmother Support: - Looking for Birth Mothers to Talk to
http://forums.adoption.com/t129597.htmll

General Adoptive Parent Support: - Responses to Kids' Nosy Questions
http://forums.adoption.com/t130054.html

Adoptee Support: - Mixed Feelings
http://forums.adoption.com/t129836.html

If any of the links above do not work, visit Adoption.com for direct links to these discussions.

For more online adoption discussions, visit Forums.Adoption.com.

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10. ADOPTION SITE SPOTLIGHT

This week, our adoption spotlight is shining on: Directory.Adoption.com.

Directory.Adoption.com is the largest directory of adoption agencies, professionals and services. To find agencies, attorneys & other adoption professionals in your state, visit Directory.Adoption.com.

For a list of our favorite adoption websites, visit Adoptions.Adoption.com.

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11. ADOPTION DESTINATION

InternationalAdoption.org is the internet's authoritative destination for international adoption. You will find fact sheets, adoption information, travel information, culture and heritage, maps, weather, books, currency exchange rates, periodicals, news and much more for dozens of different countries with active international adoption programs.

This week, the country of focus is Dominican Republic.

The Dominican Republic is located in the Caribbean, eastern two-thirds of the island of Hispaniola, between the Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of Haiti. A legacy of unsettled, mostly non-representative, rule for much of the 20th century was brought to an end in 1996 when free and open elections ushered in a new government.

To learn more about Dominican Republic's government, geography, and communication information, or its history, visit Dominican-Republic.Adoption.com.

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12. JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT

"EMPTY"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Contributed by: Melissa F., Belmont, MI

E-mail your humorous story or joke to editor@adoptionweek.com.

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13. FEATURED ADOPTION PROFESSIONAL

A TLC Adoption
Layton, UT
Toll Free: (877) 870-4852 Phone: (801) 444-9789
sandi12731@aol.com

We specialize in the placement of African American infants. We believe all children deserve a loving permanent home.

Services: • Adoption Agencies • Home Studies

For more information on A TLC Adoption, visit http://www.lovingjourney.com/.

Find adoption agencies, attorneys and other adoption professionals at Directory.Adoption.com.

To see your ad here, visit http://directory.adoption.com/upgrade.php.

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14. ADOPTIONSHOP.COM PICK

Proudly Announcing the Adoption Of...! Pkg.10 - Only $4.50
10 charmingly illustrated adoption announcements with 10 lavender envelopes



For more information and ordering instructions, visit More Info.

For more adoption products, visit adoptionshop.com.

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15. COUNSEL FROM AN ADOPTEE AND A BIRTH MOTHER

This section is not intended for search advice. It is meant to be an advice column for people with questions concerning their feelings, interested in the opinion of someone who can relate. The views expressed by this author is solely his own, and for which the author is responsible. The content within this column is not to be considered as professional medical, legal or behavioral health information to be used in diagnosis, treatment or actions that would require the consultation and/or services of a licensed, certified or accredited professional. These views do not necessarily represent the views of Adoption Week e-Magazine.

This month, our columnist, DB, is joined by Jan, a birth mother whose bio appears below.

Question:

My question has to do with the birth mom. My daughter also is 12 and we were recently on vacation. Well, we got a message that her nirth mom had called and wants contact now. My daughter called 'K' (the mom) in Hawaii, and they talked a while. Since then 'K' has called again asking to write and send pics, and my husband said it was o.k.

How shall we treat these calls and dealings with the birth mom?? I know I need to let her have some contact, but to be careful and watchful.

Thanks,

DD

DB's Response: DD, I think you are fine. It does not sound like the biological mother has overstepped her boundaries. She just sounds like she is curious and interested in getting to know her daughter. My advice is to sit down with your husband and discuss what the two of you are most comfortable with in terms of the amount of contact you will allow between your daughter and her biological mother. Be honest with yourselves and think about your daughter. After you have decided what is best and what you are most comfortable with, sit down with your daughter and explain your decision and your boundaries. Also, make sure to think about and explain to your daughter that those boundaries will slowly disappear as she gets older. Good luck and congratulations. DB

Jan's Response: DD, DB's response to you sounds right on target. I would add the following: 1) Keep in mind that if you are able to assist your daughter in getting to know her birth mother, it can be a very positive and healthy experience for all. 2) Remember two things at all times: a) you have control of this situation, therefore, there is no need to feel threatened by your daugther's interest in her birth mother; and b) the fact that your daughter has an interest in getting to know her birth mother is not a reflection on her feelings for you - it is essential you understand that. Protect and care for your daughter, but be happy and excited for her that she has this opportunity. Best of luck - Jan

Question:

I am a 32-year-old woman who was adopted as an infant. Two years ago my birthfather (whom I was unaware that he knew of my existence), contacted me through the agency due to serious medical problems. I have always been interested in finding my birthmother, but have had quite a shock after he found me. I was 7 months pregnant with a very fulfilled life.

My dilemma is he wants to be part of my life and thinks of my daughter as his grand-daughter. This makes me uncomfortable. My adopted family and I are very close, and I am not really anxious or need to have a relationship with my birthfather. This sounds terrible, I know, but it is how I feel. He initiates the contact and I am friendly enough.

I am not sure how to proceed with him. He tells me he is trying to find my birthmother, but I am worried about finding her too. Sometimes fantasies are better left alone. Now I know why I was adopted and feel disappointed in him. Can you help? If not, it feels good to send this to someone who can relate. An interesting fact I learned is both of my birthparents are also adopted.

Thanks,

R.C Seattle

DB's Response: RC, There is nothing wrong with not wanting contact with your biological father, or at least just limited contact. You certainly should not feel like you are wrong in the way you feel. What is wrong is not telling him how you feel. I know you will feel like you are being mean to him by telling him that you want limited contact (if any) and that your daughter is your daughter and genetically, yes, he is the grandfather. Other than that, this child has two other sets of grandparents, and they are going to be the grandparents to this child. You need to be honest with him; otherwise, if you keep faking with him, you will begin to resent him. Then, you will end up crushing him down the road. You are both adults, and adults deserve to be told the truth and given the opportunity to deal with things as adults. My advice is to be honest with your biological father. You can be honest and still be nice in this situation. Good luck, DB

Jan's Response: RC, I agree with DB that you must be honest with your birth father. Tell him as diplomatically as possible how you feel. The only way issues of boundaries and roles are resolved is to talk them out; it is sometimes extremely painful, but necessary. Birth parents who re-enter their children's lives are not automatically entitled to a role in their lives. But, they often can be a positive addition to their children's and grandchildren's lives. Of course, your birth father thinks of your daughter as his granddaughter, but only you can decide how much you allow him to share that role with your child's other grandparents. As for your birth mother, hum, guess I don't believe most fantasies are better left alone. I think knowing the truth, in most cases, can be quite liberating and healing. You have heard birth dad's side of your adoption story - you don't know hers - the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But, tell him if you prefer that he not search for your birth mother now. Even if he does find her though, do not feel pressured into contact with her before you are ready. Best of luck, Jan

BIOS:

The author is a 21-year-old adoptee who wants to help those affiliated with the adoption community. Although the author does not have a medical degree, etc., he is simply extending a listening ear and the perspective of a young adult who is involved in the adoption triad.

The co-author, Jan, is a reunited mother of a 34-year-old son who was relinquished at birth. She also has a grown son and daughter whom she raised as well as three grandchildren. The author does not have any counseling experience or training, nor a medical degree, etc., but she is simply offering her perspectives and insights as a mother who relinquished a child.

Their opinions are not necessarily those of Adoption.com and are provided voluntarily on a weekly basis.

To submit your questions to DB, e-mail adoptionquestions2003@yahoo.com

To submit your questions to Jan, e-mail danjanbaker@earthlink.net

In order for your questions/comments to be answered in the next week's issue, questions need to be submitted before 12 noon each Wednesday.

In addition, please remember to keep your questions appropriate for Adoption Week e-Magazine; otherwise, they will not be answered or included in the next week's edition.

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16. SPEAK OUT

Just letting you know I have found my birth daughter, in Spain, no less. I live in, and gave her up in Toronto, Canada. Just to let you know, she finally looked, at 25-years-old and found me right away. I had put our correct info on hundreds of sites. The day she suddenly looked, months ago, she found me all over the net. She emailed me that night. We have been in close contact every day since. So please encourage your members to always keep their site info and email address up to date...Yes, this is a happy ending. We are exactly alike, exactly, and she loves me too and is returning to me in October. Thank you for the magazine and your support. Good luck to all searching, Lilli

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Wife of an adoptee, I'm an adoptee and nearly 35 years old now. I waited until I was 31 to search for my birth parents. Why you ask? Well, my reason for waiting so long was fear: fear of the unknown, fear of hurting my adoptive parents, just to name a few. For me, hurting my dad was what kept me from searching. I felt I was betraying him in some fashion. When I finally searched and found, it took me nearly 2 years to tell him what I had found. Another reason for me was that "I" wanted to be the one to be found. Adoptees can be daydreamers. I would daydream about the day my "mother" would find me. It never happened, nor would it have ever, knowing what I know of her now. Doing a search can open up a chapter in your life that you have to be mentally prepared for. It's exhausting, very emotionally charged, and yes, information can surface that you may not have expected. My story is a true testimony to that!!

Every adoptee has their own personal reasons for waiting, but I know that searching has to come in our own time. Maybe having that information at your husband's finger tips is all he needs for now, knowing he can search at any given moment. He has to be the one in control of his destiny. Good luck & God bless. - Gina, Washington State

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Dear S. (in Washington): The first step you have taken is by wanting to search for your birthmother. If this takes a friend or another birth mother to help you, then yes, go for it. 97% of birth mother's will tell you that they would give anything to have had help given to them. Chances are that if anyone had been around to help them in the past, they would not be having to search for their children today. There is always fear of the unknown in adults regarding adoption search; this is perfectly normal. Read all you can on the positive and the negative results of reunions. A birth mother never forgets her baby. Please do not listen to the people who are harsh with negativity. Good luck in your search. Sincerely, C. in Ontario, Canada

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I am writing in response to Valerie Raben's inquiry about her missing birth certificate after her adoption. As a genealogist, I have run into problems finding birth certificates, because they weren't registered at the time of birth but instead were registered at a later date, sometimes years later. This leads me to suggest to Valerie that she should first contact the family court office in the county she was adopted in. What she needs to do is see if there is a way to file a new birth certificate with her adopted name. If they aren't able to help, then she needs to contact the state health department or whatever department handles birth certificate registrations in her state. If you need any help finding contact information, please contact me at cmcaplinger@yahoo.com. I am curious; without a birth certificate, were you able to get a driver's license?

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Hi there, my name is B. I gave birth to a baby girl on February 26, 1979; my heart has ached almost every day since. In the past 6 months, I have forwarded medical information through the CAS that handled her adoption to her. They have told me that she appreciates the information; however, at this time her (A)parents are very ill, and she can't be reunited (I hadn't asked). My question: Should I leave it as is and hope that someday she will figure out how to get in contact with me? Or, should I wait a while and try to contact her again? Right now I feel pretty good just knowing she is alive and doing well and is obviously loved by her (A)parents. I'm just a little confused; thanks for any help you can offer. - BJ, Searching in Ontario, Canada

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I am looking for a son born August, 1973 - the 28th, I believe, in Shreveport, LA. The loss of my son that I experienced has affected every day of my life since then and also his siblings. He was placed for adoption through the Volunteers of America home there in Shreveport. I have been sad ever since. There were circumstances out of a 15-year-old girl's hands resulting in a decision that still haunts her to this day. There is a hole in my heart that is irreparable. Any advice that anyone is willing to share would be greatly appreciated. Respectfully, Vicky Parks Mitchell Creighton (vickycreighton@bellsouth.net)

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Lana Noone will discuss her book, "Global Mom: Notes From a Pioneer Adoptive Family" on the "Let's Talk Adoption" Internet Radio program on January 20, 2004 at 9:00 AM PST. Please visit the program website at: http://www.letstalkadoption.com for complete listening instructions. Please contact me at: Lana@Vietnambabylift.org for additional details.

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An access to adoption records bill was introduced in New Hampshire. SB 335 would permit the release of the original birth certificate to an adult adoptee. It allows a birthparent to express his or her preference for contact by filing a contact preference form. A hearing is scheduled for Thursday, January 15th 2004. For more information on how you can provide testimony in person or in writing please contact: Paul Schibbelhute at 603-880-7790 (Board Member, New England State Regional Director, American Adoption Congress)

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Hi...

I am looking for my birth-daughter, born 12/24/64, Florence Crittendon Home, Peoria, Illinois. Her birth name was Allyson Marie LEAKE. If anyone can help me with "how-to's", I am very open to any suggestion. I am fighting breast cancer and at the very least, I would like her to know that she carries this gene. Thank you. - Linda Astengo, Escondido, California (lindaastengo@cox.net)

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Hello, my name is Chantel Hnidey, and I was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. My birth name was Natalie Renee Chalmers, and I was born on February 25, 1983. I am looking for both my birth mother and father; if anyone has any information, please let me know at chantelhnidey@yahoo.ca. Thank you, Chantel

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To Speak Out and share your opinion or a comment, or to respond to a message, e-mail editor@adoptionweek.com

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17. ADOPTION POETRY

18. ADOPTION CALENDAR

CHAT SCHEDULE:

Sunday:
Reunion Support Group Chat with Loretta in the Search and Reunion room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern

Monday:
Join Dr. Art Becker-Weidman in the hosted chat room at 2 pm Pacific, 3 pm Mountain, 4 pm Central, 5 pm Eastern and ask him questions on attachment therapy and treating children with trauma-attachment disorders.

Adoptee Chat with Thea in the hosted chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern. Thea is a caring adoptee that has recently reunited with her birthmother.

Tuesday:
Birth mom chat with Angelwings. Angel is a birthmom and adoptee. Her chat is held in the BirthMother.chat room at 4 pm Pacific, 5 pm Mountain, 6 pm Central, 7 pm Eastern

Birth father's General Support Chat in the hosted chat room with adoptee and birthfather, Terry. All are invited at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm central, 9 pm Eastern

Wednesday:
Pre- and adoptive parent chat with JJ and friends - Help as you begin the adoption process. Hosted in Adoptive Parents chat room at 5 pm Pacific, 6 pm Mountain, 7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern.

Parenting issues for adoptive/foster parents with Dimasmom in FosterCare chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

Join an informative chat on the ups and downs of reunion hosted by Sabra since 1997. Talk out your next step and share your experiences in search and reunion at 7 pm Pacific, 8 pm Mountain, 9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern in the Search and Reunion chat room.

Thursday:
Evening with Colleen Buckner, search expert, in Search and Reunion chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

Friday:
If you are having a "limbo" type experience with your reunion, come and talk it over with those who've "been there-done that" themselves. Join co-hosting birth mothers, April and Judy, in the Search and Reunion room on Fridays: 5 pm Pacific, 6 pm Mountain, 7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern.

Saturday:
Older child adoption/foster care behavioral issues with Jerry in FosterCare chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

For a listing of times and descriptions and to attend scheduled chats, or join the live chat, visit Forums.Adoption.com/Chat.

ADOPTION EVENTS:

PRE-ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP - Eight Tuesday Evenings
January 6 - Feb. 24 (7 pm - 9 pm)
San Jose
Resolve of Northern California
Explore your questions and concerns about adoption, and enjoy peer support while you learn about the adoption process. This support group provides information and support about the decision to adopt, and about all types of adoption. Led by Sara Lively, founder of Adoption Paths, an educational organization independent of any adoption agency. For more information and to register (831)476-7252 or visit http://www.AdoptionPaths.com.

EXPLORING ADOPTION: AN EDUCATIONAL SERIES - Four Saturday Afternoons
January 10 - 31 (3 pm - 5 pm)
Santa Cruz, California
Adoption Paths
Explore your questions and concerns along with other people who are interested in adopting. This educational series provides extensive and unbiased information about all types of adopting. Taught by Sara Lively, founder of Adoption Paths. For more information and to register, call (831)476-6252 or visit http://www.AdoptionPaths.com.

ABC'S OF INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
January 13 (6:00 pm - 8:00 pm)
First United Methodist Church at 6701 JFK Blvd, North Little Rock, AR
Dillon International, Inc.
During this Free informational meeting, attendees will be given an overview of the process of international adoption, individual country requirements and adoption costs. In addition, they will be given information on waiting children from South Korea, China, India, Ukraine, Vietnam, Haiti, and Guatemala. Please call Kimberly Alls at (501) 791-9300, or e-mail DillonArkansas@dillonadopt.com for details. Website: http://www.dillonadopt.com/Seminars%20and%20Workshops.htm

AKRON GENERAL MEETING
January 14 (7:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Akron General Health and Wellness Center, 4125 Medina Road, Akron, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adult adoptees, birthparents, siblings, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, professionals and anyone who is interested in lifelong adoption issues. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, contact Adoption Network Cleveland (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

HEIGHTS AREA GENERAL MEETING
January 15 (7:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Unity of Greater Cleveland, 3350 Warrensville Center Road, Shaker Heights, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adult adoptees, birthparents, siblings, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, professionals and anyone who is interested in lifelong adoption issues. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, contact Adoption Network Cleveland (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

BIRTHPARENT SUPPORT MEETING
January 17 (2:00 pm ­ 4:00 pm)
Adoption Network Cleveland, 1667 East 40th St. Suite B-1, Cleveland, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Birthparents who have placed a child for adoption. For more information, contact Adoption Network Cleveland (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION SEMINAR
January 24 (9:30 am - 4:30 pm)
First United Methodist Church, 313 N. Center, Arlington, TX
Dillon International, Inc.
International adoption can be a wonderful experience. Meet adoptive families, their children, and staff members of Dillon International, Inc. The cost is $60.00 for a married couple and $50.00 for a single adult applicant. The fee covers lunch and seminar materials. Facilities do not provide for childcare. To register, email bev@dillonadopt.com, or call (918) 749-4600 for details.
Website: http://www.dillonadopt.com/Seminars%20and%20Workshops.htm

AFTER ADOPTION: Understanding the Lifelong Journey
January 27 (6:00 pm - 9:00 pm)
Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Presenter: Regina Kupecky
RSVP: Free workshop. Foster parent training certificates and social work/counselor CEU¹s provided. Registration is required, please call (216) 881-7511. Registration closes 3 day prior to workshop.

LAKE COUNTY GENERAL MEETING
January 27 (7:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Deepwood North Apartments, Rental Office/Community Room, 8100 Deepwood Blvd. (off Rt. 84) Mentor, Ohio. Follow signs to rental office
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adult adoptees, birthparents, siblings, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, professionals and anyone who is interested in lifelong adoption issues. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, contact Adoption Network Cleveland (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

PARENTING THE HURT CHILD
January 29 (6:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Beechbrook, 3737 Lander Road, Fenn Center, Pepper Pike, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Presenter: Regina Kupecky
RSVP: Free workshop. Foster parent training certificates and social work/counselor CEU¹s provided. Registration is required, please call (216) 881-7511. Registration closes 3 day prior to workshop.

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION SEMINAR
January 31 (9:30 am - 4:30 pm)
Holy Cross Lutheran Church, 13014 Olive Blvd, Creve Coeur, MO
Dillon International, Inc.
International adoption can be a wonderful experience. Meet adoptive families, their children, and staff members of Dillon International, Inc. The cost is $60.00 for a married couple and $50.00 for a single adult applicant. The fee covers lunch and seminar materials. Facilities do not provide for childcare. To register, email bev@dillonadopt.com, or call (918) 749-4600 for details.
Website: http://www.dillonadopt.com/Seminars%20and%20Workshops.htm

For local listings, regional seminars, and many other adoption events, visit Events.Adoption.com.

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CALL FOR CONTENT
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