1. ANNOUNCEMENT

THE ADOPTION ENCYCLOPEDIA IS NOW ONLINE
Adoption.com has just added the complete text of "The Adoption Encyclopedia" at http://Encyclopedia.Adoption.com with articles on more than 375 adoption-related topics.

INTERESTED IN SHARING YOUR ADOPTION STORY ON TV?
Adoption.com is currently working with Discovery Channel Adoption Stories II to create several episodes which will feature ethnically diverse families. If you are in the process of adopting a child which will make your family a multicultural or multiracial family and are comfortable sharing your story, please contact pr@adoptionmedia.com.

ADOPTION JOBS
For the fifth consecutive year, the National Center for Adoption Law & Policy will match law students from all over the U.S. who are interested in summer assignments concerning ALL AREAS of child welfare and permanence for children with private, public and non-profit entities who can use their help. If you are a judge, lawyer, part of a child protection agency, or work in an adoption or child advocacy organization, visit http://www.law.capital.edu/adoption/JobSite/open_jobs.htm to post your job opening.

GREAT WAYS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Would you like to get involved and help great children's causes? We have developed a new page: http://about.adoption.com/make-a-difference.php to showcase great ways that we can all give back. If there is something you would like to see added to this list, please e-mail editor@adoptionmedia.com.

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2. NEW ARTICLES

The views expressed by the authors are solely their own, and for which the authors are responsible. These views do not necessarily represent the views of Adoption Week e-Magazine.

Response to Josee Larose: Joy and Responsibility - new article contributed by Mary Anne Cohen
Many birth mothers may need good professional counseling as well as peer support to get through their grief over what has been irretrievably lost, and the renewal of this grief that reunion often brings, but it can and should be done. I feel that I was stuck in a downward spiral of self-pity for many more years than was needed, and sadly my association with so-called support groups contributed to keeping me there. That was another impetus for my original article, to tell those willing to listen that it is not hopeless, and that joy is possible after all. I do not see that as a shaming or blaming message, but as a message of liberation and peace to birth parents and adoptees struggling with the hard work of forming a relationship. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=418

My Story - new article contributed by Jan Kidd
My Mum found me when I was 27 years. I had also been trying to find her as well. With a few more details I joined an adoption agency in N.Y.C. I made a good friend in Los Angeles who sent me a magazine called People Finders. (No longer in print). I placed an ad. Do you have any sons or daughters who would like to meet me? Would someone please claim me? With incredible luck, a relative spotted my ad. He was looking for military buddies. To my great sorrow, he told me my Dad had died about 3 years ago, 1982. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=419

Fooled By Desire - new article by Tricia Shore
As an adoptee, my birthday has always been bittersweet. Beauford and Ann had tried to make it a happy day, but to me there was always sadness. Now that I am a mother myself, I understand the happiness of knowing that you have created and delivered a baby. For my mother and me, however, my birth was the beginning of the end, the day that she would see the child she would give to strangers. The days surrounding my birthday are the most vulnerable of the entire year for me. My roommate knew this and thought it would be wonderful if Gary could help me find my mom. Sharon was only trying to help. http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=420

The Family Connection - new article by Pat Upchurch
I have come to believe there will never be closure to this issue without reuniting. We are family. There are so many remarkable people in his past that he has a right to learn about. For example, a great-great-grandmother who at age 33 lost her husband while expecting her eighth child - a great-great-grandmother who went above and beyond the call of duty to maintain her family. Another example would be a great-grandmother who herself was a child at the time of age 14 who went to work and helped her mother keep this family together. There was no money. There was little opportunity. So many stories… So much to tell… http://e-magazine.adoption.com/article.php?articleid=421

Read these articles at http://Magazine.Adoption.com, and submit your adoption-related articles to editor@adoptionweek.com for publication in Adoption Week e-Magazine and Adoption.com.

By submitting content, you represent that you have the rights to this content and that you give Adoption.com and Adoption Week the right to reprint this content on the internet, via e-mail, and in print form.

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3. ADOPTION NEWS

In the news last week, there were several interesting topics that made the headlines: lawmakers scrutinizing the adoption tax credit, a boy a school locked in a cage, a teen who fed a corpse, a bill rebuilding Utah's unclear surrogacy law, a couple in the process of adopting a baby which was left at a fire house. To read these articles and several other headlines, visit News.Adoption.com/.

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4. ADOPTION LAW & POLICY NEWS

February 12, 2004

WEEKLY NEWS SUMMARY

NEW HAMPSHIRE: “ADOPTION BILL AIMS TO OPEN RECORDS FOR ADULTS” - by Shir Haberman
The New Hampshire Health and Human Services Committee held hearings on a bill that would enable adults to access their original birth certificates, which contain the names of birth parents. Under existing law, adopted persons must show a probate court ‘good cause’ in order to unseal their adoption records. The bill, which is modeled after an Oregon law, limits access to the birth certificate and doesn’t include access to other birth or adoption-related records. As to the issue of contact between the birth parent and adopted person, a form can be submitted by birth parents that states their preference. The preference choices for birth parents, which would be made known to adoptees seeking access, include an option for direct contact, contact through an intermediary, or no contact. A supporter of New Hampshire’s bill notes that the predictions by opponents of the 1999 Oregon law have not come to fruition as yet. Adoption rates continue to rise, no complaints of birth parent privacy violation have occurred, and only 81 birth parents preferred no contact out of 7300 unsealed records and 469 contact preference forms. New Hampshire would join six other states in its granting adopted people the legal right of access to birth information. National attention is aimed at the bill; Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, planned to testify at the February 3 hearing.
Portsmouth Herald, Monday, February 2, 2004
http://www.seacoastonline.com/news/02022004/news/73843.htm

OPINION: “TAILOR FOSTER CARE TO INDIVIDUALS’ NEEDS” - by Carol Spigner
A Pew Commission initiative is looking at ways to improve the foster care system in the U.S. With a focus on reform in the area of finance and judicial accountability, the Pew Commission in Foster Care recently heard from caseworkers, judges, parents, foster parents, and former foster children on the difficulties in the current foster care system. The non-partisan Commission is looking at how to change both the court oversight of cases involving abused and neglected children, as well as federal funding for services for those children. Carol Spigner, a member of the Commission, suggests the crucial importance of individualizing the services offered to children and families so as to better meet their needs. *
USA Today, Sunday, January 29, 2003
http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2004-01-29-commentary_x.htm

WEST VIRGINIA: “SEN. BYRD, A FORMER FOSTER CHILD, PRESSES BILL TO AID ADOPTION” - by Del Malkie
Senator Robert Byrd from West Virginia was adopted as a two year old, and notes the importance of the “loving, supportive home” that his adoptive parents provided. In Congress, Byrd urged the passage of the Adoption Promotion Act of 2003, which includes financial incentives for states that succeed in placing children over the age of 9, or children with special needs. The Senator suggests that potential adoptive parents are deterred by what they view as an overwhelming, bureaucratic process. In light of recent efforts to address this issue, the Senator said, “as the federal government continues to partner with the states to encourage adoption, I hope that more would-be parents take advantage.”
The News Tribune, Tuesday, February 3, 2004
http://www.newstribune.info/articles/2004/02/03/news/news02.txt

CALIFORNIA: “BILL WOULD ENSURE FOSTER CHILDREN GET GOOD EDUCATION”
Many of California’s 100,000 foster kids attend group home schools rather than regular public schools. According to a former foster child, Jennifer Rodriguez, group home schools don’t provide education that regular public schools do. Assemblyman Darrell Steinberg introduced a bill that would change the requirements for group home schools; passage of the bill would mandate that curriculum and teacher qualifications standards were met, and require state monitoring of the group home schools.
News 10, Wednesday, February 4, 2004
http://www.kxtv10.com/storyfull.asp?id=6329

ROMANIA: “EC ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO ROMANIA: STOP CHILD EXPORTS” - by Ambrose Evans-Pritchard in Brussels
The European Commission issued a strong warning to Romania’s prime minister regarding the country’s violation of a moratorium on overseas adoptions. The latest warning came from the EU enlargement commissioner in an unprecedented letter. The commissioner, Gunther Verheugen, threatened that EU membership is at stake, as well as foreign aid to the country. Romania hopes to join the EU in 2007, so that in 2001 it agreed to end what many concurred was a corrupt system of baby-trafficking. Since the moratorium, adoptions have continued and some speculate that the official figure of 1000 might be inaccurately low. According to an EU official, the children adopted from Romania are difficult to locate now, due to lack of tracking data. The official also noted that “evidence points” to the possibility that “a number (of adopted Romanian children) fall into the hands of pedophile networks.” Romanian officials highlight conflicting demands from different parts of the EU; one part demands the adoption ban, and a second part seeks more relaxed rules to address falling fertility rates.
The Telegraph, Wednesday, February 4, 2004
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/02/04/wrom04.xml&sSheet=/portal/2004/02/04/ixportal.html

“A CLOSE UP OF THE FOSTER CARE SYSTEM: STUDY FINDS HEALTH, EDUCATION OFTEN NEGLECTED”
- by Karen de Sa
A report by the David and Lucile Packard Foundation offers a comprehensive look at the 500,000 children in foster care, and identifies areas for improvement. The report notes that little is known about the routine health care and educational oversight kids receive during their average three years in foster care. Contributions from 94 former foster children showed that 24% felt cared for and protected, and 50% said their basic needs were attended to while in foster care. Health care failures were noted in three major cities by a General Accounting Office review. 12% of kids had no routine health care, and immunizations were either not completed (34%) or done repeatedly. According to the Packard study, nearly one-quarter of all foster kids across the nation reside in only 12 cities, one of them being San Jose. The report featured the successes of Judge Len Edwards of the Santa Clara County Superior court, in his creation of a one-judge per family rule, and also his attention to the importance of reunification. Another trend identified by the Packard report points to the growing number of relatives giving care to children removed from their homes. Cultural ties and reduced trauma are identified as strengths for placement with relatives.
Mercury News, Wednesday, January 28, 2004
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/7821839.htm

HAWAII: “MARSHALL BABY MARKET BLOCKED” - by Kristen Sawada
Hawaii has received national attention because it often serves as a staging ground for adoption practices that U.S. government and Marshallese authorities are working to ban. At a conference on February 17, experts on this issue will speak at the Hawaii State Capitol Auditorium in an effort to educate service providers in Hawaii. Adoption agencies have been abusing immigration and international adoption laws, due to an exemption from visa presentation for Marshallese people entering the U.S. Recent amendments to the Compact of Free Association signed by President Bush, combined with reforms made in the Marshall Islands are aimed at curbing unlawful adoption procedures. Jini Roby, a Utah attorney and social work professor who helped author a new Marshallese adoption law, said that “the dots are being connected between all the people that need to come together and talk to each other in order to clean up these practices.” Michael Jenkins leads the newly established Central Adoption Authority in the Marshall Islands. Jenkins said that preliminary signs show that a new reporting system for adoption-related abuses appears to be working; tips on violations of Marshallese adoption laws have been received by the Authority since October and relayed to the Marshall Islands attorney general.
The Pacific Business Journal, Thursday, January 26, 2003
http://pacific.bizjournals.com/pacific/stories/2004/01/26/story1.html?page=1

WEEKLY CASE SUMMARY

Rights of Grandparents and Other Biological Relatives

ARKANSAS: Cassidy v. Arkansas Dep’t of Human Servs.
The Arkansas Court of Appeals affirmed the trial court’s dismissal of the grandmother’s adoption petition. The Court held it was not unreasonable for ADHS to withhold consent to an adoption by a grandmother where she lives in the same home as the mother whose parental rights were terminated. The Court further noted that it is a duty of a person who has custody of a child pursuant to a dependency-neglect hearing to ensure that the child is not returned to the care of any person from whom the child was removed and that failure to abide by this statute is a criminal offense.
Cite: No. CA03-582, 2004 Ark. App. LEXIS 87 (Ark. Ct. App. Jan. 28, 2004)
http://www.courts.state.ar.us/unpublished/2004a/20040128/ca03-582.html

Adoption Process & Consent

NORTH CAROLINA: In re Adoption of Shuler
A North Carolina Court of Appeals affirmed the judgment of a trial court denying a biological father’s motion to dismiss a petition for adoption of his son, finding that the biological father’s consent was not required for the adoption to proceed. Under a relevant state statute, consent to adoption is necessary if the biological father; (1) acknowledges paternity before the filing of an adoption petition, (2) provides support for the biological mother or child, and (3) has established or attempted to establish regular communication or visits with mother or child. The appellate court found that the trial court’s record contained competent evidence that the father had failed to acknowledge paternity unconditionally before the filing of the adoption petition and that finding alone was sufficient to allow the adoption to proceed without his consent.
Cite: No. COA02-1607, 2004 N.C. App. LEXIS 115 (Jan. 20, 2004).
Web link: http://www.aoc.state.nc.us/www/public/coa/opinions/2004/021607-1.htm

Termination of Parental Rights - Process

TENNESSEE: Osborn v. Marr
The Supreme Court of Tennessee held that a biological mother did not have standing to file a petition to terminate the parental rights of the incarcerated biological father. The Court held that the Tennessee statute concerning petitions for termination of an individual’s parental rights did not list biological parents as a party who had standing to file such a petition, and therefore, the court lacked subject matter jurisdiction.
Cite: No. M2001-02890-SC-R11-CV, 2004 Tenn. LEXIS 45 (Tenn. Jan. 23, 2004).
Web link: http://www.tsc.state.tn.us/OPINIONS/TSC/PDF/041/OsbornCR.pdf

Rights of Grandparents and Other Biological Relatives

CALIFORNIA (U.S. DIST. CT.): Miller v. Cal. Dept. of Social Services
The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed the District Court’s decision that noncustodial, paternal grandparents, who were acting as de facto parents to grandchildren pending a dependency hearing in juvenile court, did not have substantive due process rights to maintain “family integrity and association” as parents of children. The court also held that the grandparents did not possess a constitutional due process claim against the Dept. of Social Services when the grandfather’s name was placed on the California Child Abuse Central (CACI) Index. Interpreting the “stigma-plus” test to support a defamation claim under §1983, the court held that grandparents do not have the same fundamental “liberty interest in making decisions about care, custody, and control of their children” and thus did not possess the requisite property or liberty interest to show a sufficient injury for the improper listing on the CACI index, nor was there a direct injury to reputation because the grandparents were in fact granted guardianship of the grandchildren after the grandfather’s name was placed on the CACI index.
Cite: No. 02-16780, 2004 U.S. App. LEXIS 900 (9th Cir. Jan. 22, 2004).
Web link: http://www.ca9.uscourts.gov/ca9/newopinions.nsf/B5C3E151B6CFDC4D88256E2200716A22/$file/0216780.pdf?openelement

Other Cases of Interest

Termination of Parental Rights - Process

CALIFORNIA: In re R.R.
The California Court of Appeals granted the petition for writ of habeas corpus of the petition, R.R., a dependent of the juvenile court, concluding that selecting adoption as the juvenile’s permanent plan could not be implemented without terminating the presumed father’s parental rights and directed the juvenile court to enter an order terminating the parental rights of James R. after proper notice and an opportunity to be heard.
Cite: No. D043317, 2004 Cal. App. LEXIS 103 (Cal. Ct. App. Jan. 27, 2004).
Web link: http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/opinions/documents/D043317.PDF

Termination of Parental Rights – Appeals of Orders of Termination

ARKANSAS: Trout v. Arkansas Dep’t of Human Servs.
The Arkansas Court of Appeals reversed and remanded the trial court’s order terminating a mother’s parental rights to her two children, finding there was evidence of continuous and steady progress by the mother in addressing her problems and therefore the termination of her parental rights, based on grounds in the relevant statue, was not supported by clear and convincing evidence.
Cite: No. CA03-332, 2004 Ark. App. LEXIS 91 (Ark. Ct. App. Jan. 28, 2004)
Web link: http://courts.state.ar.us/opinions/2004a/20040128/ca03-332.html

FLORIDA: O.M. v. Dep’t of Children and Family Svcs.
The Court of Appeals of Florida affirmed the trial court’s order terminating parental rights as to one child (G.E.M), but reversed the decision of the trial court’s order terminating parental rights as to the remaining six children. The appellate court held that as to the six children, both parents achieved substantial compliance with their numerous case plan requirements and the Department failed to show that termination was the least restrictive means to protect the children. The court concluded that termination of parental rights as to the oldest child (G.E.M.) was proper base don the evidence which also included sexual abuse allegations.
Cite: No. 2D02-5538, 2003 FLA. App. Lexis 418 (Fla. Ct. App. Jan. 21, 2004).
Web link: http://www.2dca.org/opinion/January%2021,%202004/2D02-5538.pdf

MISSOURI: In re S.J.H. and C.A.H.
The Missouri Court of Appeals reversed the trial court’s order terminating a mother’s parental rights, holding that non compliance with a written service agreement is not in itself grounds for termination but rather merely a factor to consider in determining whether the statutory grounds for termination exist.
Cite: No. WD62904, 2004 Mo. App. LEXIS 53 (Mo. Ct. App. Jan. 20, 2004).
Web link: http://www.osca.state.mo.us/courts/pubopinions.nsf/ccd96539c3fb13ce8625661f004bc7da/959b66424fa5a1b186256e1d006282a0?OpenDocument

Types of Adoption - Equitable Adoption

Coon v. American Compressed Steel
The Court of Appeals of Missouri affirmed the decision of the trial court denying appellant’s motion to intervene in proceedings before the family court, explaining that the family court’s "equitable adoption" is not an adoption and does not bind the defendants to recognize an adoption and that appellants, who are defendants in the wrongful death action, are not directly affected by the family court judgment and are entitled to contest the equitable adoption issues in the wrongful death case.
Cite: No. WD62289, 2004 Mo. App. Lexis 130 (Mo. Ct. App. Jan. 30, 2004)
Web link: http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=mo&vol=/appeals/012004/&invol=40130_2004

Credit: National Center for Adoption Law & Policy
Link: http://www.law.capital.edu/adoption

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5. ADOPTION BOOK CLUB

BECOMING A FAMILY
This book will help adoptive parents recognize and respond to the signs of broken attachment. Written by a psychotherapist who has helped hundreds of adoptive families cope with attachment challenges, this practical guide offers clear and effective strategies for parents to help their children overcome their uncertain past and embrace the love of their new parents.

For more information on this book, visit http://adoptionshop.com/cgi-bin/products/ADP70001.html.

Find 1,200+ other adoption products at adoptionshop.com.

To share your favorite adoption book with others, join the Adoption Book Club on AdoptionLists.com at http://adoptionlists.com/index.php?action=lists&listname=adoptionbookclub.

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6. MEET NEW HOPEFUL ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Noel & Brenda (CA)
Hello, we are Noel and Brenda Plaugher from Fremont, California, a fun, loving couple ready to be parents. We are excited about open adoption and how it will bring a child into our lives and you into our hearts and family. To view Noel and Brenda's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db9645.html.

Hal & Stephanie (FL)
Hal, Stephanie, Claire (our daughter, whom we adopted through Adoption.com), and Zack and Livvy (our cats) would love another baby to complete our family. Your child would be protected, nurtured, supported and above all, loved, by all of us! To view Hal and Stephanie's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db8022.html.

Brian & Bambi (VA)
Adoption is a family tradition for us! We will be very open about explaining the circumstances of your child’s birth and your child will always know that his or her birth parents had enormous love of him or her. We have so much love and energy to give... To view Brian and Bambi's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db11286.html.

Alfredo & Maria Elena (TX)
We are active people and live life to its fullest, yet know to balance our activity with relaxation and quiet time. Our hope is that this letter will give you an idea of who we are, what we like and what we have to offer to a child. To view Alfredo and Maria Elena's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db11095.html.

David & Janette (CA)
Our new child will join a joyful, stable, loving family with a full-time mom, a work-from-home dad and an eager big sister. We are blessed with a large extended family and many supportive friends who are an important part of our daily lives. To view David and Janette's profile, visit http://profiles.adoption.com/profiles/db11633.html.

Are you pregnant? Visit Profiles.Adoption.com to find the right adoptive parents for your baby.

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7. FEATURED WAITING CHILD

Audrey is a beautiful child who is inquisitive and curious. Audrey takes medication to help relieve depression, ADHD, and mood swings. She has six siblings who are placed with different families, and this is a source of pain for her. A family for Audrey will need to understand issues of loss, depression, and low self-esteem. They need to be affectionate, compassionate, and resourceful regarding community services. They need to have parenting experience, understand the dynamics of adolescence and be able to tolerate mood swings. A family for Audrey will also need to be open to sibling contact.

Photolisting.Adoption.com is a free community service of Adoption.com featuring more than 1,700 children awaiting loving, permanent homes. Add your agency's waiting children to the most popular adoption website, and help them find loving homes faster. E-mail exchange@adoptablekids.com for info.

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8. ADOPTION GEM

9. ADOPTION BUZZ

Search for Birth Family or Adoptee: - What Gives You the Right?
http://forums.adoption.com/t134110.html

Guatemala Adoption: - Breaking the News of an Adoption
http://forums.adoption.com/t135036.html

Over 40 Adoption: - Are There So Few Over 40 Amom's Out There?
http://forums.adoption.com/t134449.html

Main Forum: - How to Prepare Foster Kids for Adoption?
http://forums.adoption.com/t134754.html

General Adoptive Parent Support: - Our Birthmom Won't Call Our Baby by Her Name
http://forums.adoption.com/t135142.html

Main Forum: - I'm Very Afraid for My Foster Daughter
http://forums.adoption.com/t132678.html

If any of the links above do not work, visit Adoption.com for direct links to these discussions.

For more online adoption discussions, visit Forums.Adoption.com.

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10. ADOPTION SITE SPOTLIGHT

This week, our adoption spotlight is shining on: Tax-Credit.Adoption.com.

If you had adoption-related income and/or expenses in 2003, any one or a combination of benefits, credits and exclusions could substantially reduce your tax liability. The Adoption Tax Credit is a valuable benefit for adopting families, but one of the most complicated tax law provisions applicable to middle-income families. The details of how it works, acceptable expenses, who qualifies, and other "small print" items have been harder to understand. For more information, on filing your 2003 return, visit Tax-Credit.Adoption.com.

For a list of our favorite adoption websites, visit Adoptions.Adoption.com.

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11. ADOPTION DESTINATION

InternationalAdoption.org is the internet's authoritative destination for international adoption. You will find fact sheets, adoption information, travel information, culture and heritage, maps, weather, books, currency exchange rates, periodicals, news and much more for dozens of different countries with active international adoption programs.

This week, the country of focus is Haiti.


Haitian law does not allow adoptive parents to take a child out of the country until that child first has been adopted in Haiti. Applications for guardianship for the purposes of taking children out of Haiti for adoption in another country are not permitted.

To learn more about Haiti's government, geography, and communication information, or its history, visit Haiti.Adoption.com.

Read Haiti adoption-related articles at http://library.adoption.com/information/Haiti/65/1.html.

To chat with parents who have adopted or are considering adopting from Haiti, visit http://forums.adoption.com/f20.html.

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12. JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT

MAKING UGLY FACES

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

E-mail your humorous story or joke to editor@adoptionweek.com.

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13. FEATURED ADOPTION PROFESSIONAL

American Adoptions - America's Adoption Agency
Phone: (800) ADOPTION
adoptions@americanadoptions.com

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For more information on American Adoptions - America's Adoption Agency, visit http://www.AmericanAdoptions.com/.

Find adoption agencies, attorneys and other adoption professionals at Directory.Adoption.com.

To see your ad here, visit http://directory.adoption.com/upgrade.php.

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14. ADOPTIONSHOP.COM PICK



Our Adoption Story - Only $2.50
These heavy duty, cardstock stickers will add whimsy and love to any scrapbook page. Each sheet contains a variety of stickers, tags, and frames.

For more information and ordering instructions, visit http://adoptionshop.com/cgi-bin/products/SCS00004.html.

For more adoption products, visit adoptionshop.com.



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15. COUNSEL FROM AN ADOPTEE AND A BIRTH MOTHER

This section is not intended for search advice. It is meant to be an advice column for people with questions concerning their feelings, interested in the opinion of someone who can relate. The views expressed by this author is solely his own, and for which the author is responsible. The content within this column is not to be considered as professional medical, legal or behavioral health information to be used in diagnosis, treatment or actions that would require the consultation and/or services of a licensed, certified or accredited professional. These views do not necessarily represent the views of Adoption Week e-Magazine.

Question:

Hello,

I am married to a 27-year-old man who was adopted at two weeks old. He has had a wonderful life with his adopted parents, but he has always held a hurtful grudge toward women in general because there is a lack of trust since "his own mother left him, why wouldn't you". He has a very hard time showing any kind of feelings even to me.

We have a one year old baby girl and I don't want her to suffer from his hurt in his relationship with her. He is a very hard person to get close to, and he has mentioned before how he would like to meet his mother just to hear why she gave him up. I immediately got to work and found her after he said this and found she lives about 30 minutes from us. I was excited but scared to tell him, and when I finally did, he got very upset with me. It has never been mentioned again since then and I never contacted her.

Do you think it is good to meet your birth mother? I feel it will either make or break him. If she explains to him she was only 17 and had his best interests at heart, I feel he could deal with it, but if she acted like he meant nothing to her, I know it would destroy him. Would it be bad for me to contact her just to see?

DB's Response: I think it was good for me to find my biological mother, but everyone is different. I feel it would be good for him. He needs to deal with it either way. If she was 17 and gave him up, in my opinion, she did it for his best interests. I assume it was much harder in those days to have a baby out-of-wedlock, than to do the right thing and place the child for adoption. I think he should meet her. He will never get over anything until he confronts his fears. I think it is a shame that he is so resentful. His biological mother gave him the greatest gift of all, the chance to have a life, a wife and a family. I don't see how anyone could resent someone for those gifts. I am on the fence about you contacting her. Ultimately, I feel you should not. The reason you want to contact her is to find out for sure, before your husband contacts her, that she does indeed love him, etc. Not everything in life has guarantees. If this backfires, and he finds out you went and contacted her behind his back, he will be even more mad and hurt than he already is. He didn't take you finding her well; he certainly will not take you actually contacting her well, either. It is his life and his decision. If you have concerns about his relationship with his daughter, then voice those to him. Do not try to "fix" his feelings about his adoption without his permission to do so. DB

Jan's Response: One thing I have learned about adoption issues is that each of us must acknowledge and deal with them in our own time. It sounds like your husband is not yet ready to deal with the issues he needs to in order to be ready to meet his birth mother. You have every right to tell him that that you think his adoption issues are affecting your family, but, you should not try to force him to deal with his issues before he is ready. However, like DB, I too hesitate to encourage you to contact his birth mother without his consent. Finding her without his consent already incurred his wrath; making contact with her would probably be little better. Meeting his birth mother probably will be good for your husband, but, he has to pick the timing for that event. I can tell you that most young women who relinquish do so because, either they are counseled, or believe themselves, it is in their child's best interest. Few women relinquish babies because they do not want or love them. In the sixties, it is estimated that that 95% of unwed pregnant women relinquished babies. Society and all those adults they trusted said it was what they should do if they loved their babies. And so they did, in huge numbers. Hopefully, your husband will acknowledge and face the relinquishment issues he has, and then be ready to meet his birth mother. Gently encourage him and help him understand that meeting his birth mother could be very positive for him. But, you should not try to make him face his issues until he is ready - hard as that may be. Jan

Question:

I am a birth mother who gave her firstborn child up for adoption at birth, 21 years ago. I never told anyone in my family about my pregnancy. I gave my child up because I was afraid to disappoint my family. Over the past several years I have been thinking even more often about him and would like to locate him. I now have a daughter whom would be his half sister, who is 19. She has no knowledge either. What would be the best way to tell her about her brother? There are several questions that will arise that I don't care to answer. Also, do you think she has the right to know? Thank you so much for your help.

Darlene

Jan's Response: Dear Darlene, First, I personally believe your daughter has a right to know about her brother. I did not tell my other children about their brother until he found me. I think that was a mistake. Having to tell my other children about their brother as we reunited only added to the issues I had to deal with. Even if you do not search, there is no guarantee your son will not find you some day. It is far better to tell your daughter now, in my opinion. Next, as to how to tell your daughter - find a quiet time alone. Simply tell her that you became pregnant many years ago and felt relinquishing your child (or whatever the truth was in your particular situation) was best for everyone. Having had this conversation with two adult children myself, I will tell you it is not an easy one. It is difficult to predict how she may react. Be prepared: her reaction may or may not be what you expect. If you tell your daughter about her brother, she may have some tough questions for you, and if find your son, he will mostly likely need answers even more than your daughter. Be prepared for some anger if you refuse to respond to their questions. I can only guess at questions you might not wish to answer. I think the hardest to respond to would be if you were: 1) raped; 2) uncertain about the birth father's identify; or 3) had a negative relationship with the birth father. Some might feel you are entitled to your privacy. As difficult as it would be to respond to those kinds of questions though, I feel your relinquished child deserves to know the truth, good or bad. Best of luck, Jan

BIOS:

The author is a 21-year-old adoptee who wants to help those affiliated with the adoption community. Although the author does not have a medical degree, etc., he is simply extending a listening ear and the perspective of a young adult who is involved in the adoption triad.

The co-author, Jan, is a reunited mother of a 34-year-old son who was relinquished at birth. She also has a daughter and a son whom she raised and is a proud grandmother of three. Jan has no counseling credentials or training, but offers her opinions based on her role as an active member of the adoption community.

Their opinions are not necessarily those of Adoption.com and are provided voluntarily on a weekly basis.

To submit your questions to DB, e-mail adoptionquestions2003@yahoo.com

To submit your questions to Jan, e-mail janb91024@yahoo.com

In order for your questions/comments to be answered in the next week's issue, questions need to be submitted before 12 noon each Wednesday.

In addition, please remember to keep your questions appropriate for Adoption Week e-Magazine; otherwise, they will not be answered or included in the next week's edition.

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16. SPEAK OUT

I am 51 and have been looking for my b-parents for sometime now, but I was born in NYS and the laws are very stringent there concerning release of info about adoptive children. I was born 9/6/52, and at that time, my parents (adoptive) simply signed the papers and the papers were then placed in the Co. Court House under "lock & key". I was born in Albany, NY, the Infant and Maternity Home, as it was called at that time, through Catholic Charities, but grew up in Malone, NY with wonderful, caring parents. I am of French origin and was told by my adoptive parents the b-parents were only of French origin, as far as they new. What are the NYS laws at this time? Are the existing laws concerning release of b-documents coming close to being changed?! Thank you for you time, Denyse

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I too had adoptive parents that I could not discuss the particulars of my adoption with (mother especially). I would never do anything to hurt these wonderful people, so my search did not begin until I was 50 years old. I do understand the insecurity my mother must have felt. She was not adopted, and I tried to explain many times that she knew where & what she came from and that she could never imagine what it was like for me not knowing my genetics, health, etc. Alas, it became something that I never brought up again. Now they are both deceased, and I miss them ever so much and still feel perhaps a little guilty while doing my search. So, please do not blame your adoptive parents if they should appear to feel a little insecure. I truly feel that every individual should have the "right to know". I do not care about my birth mother's privacy; I think that she gave that up when she gave birth to me, or when I turned age 21 and came of legal age. I am still and will continue to search, although at times it seems rather fruitless. - D.C.

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I have read the Social Security Administration website in which it states that adoptive parents can request their adoptive child's SS# be changed, to protect the privacy of the adoptive parents and child. When our adoption was completed, I went to our local SSA office to change our child's name and SS#. We adopted a child who is 8 years old. The SSA office advised me that they could not change the SS# because our child "KNEW" she was adopted. On the website, the SSA talks about a 19 month old being adopted. But because our child is 8 and knows of the adoption, we cannot change the SS#. Has anyone else experienced this? I find it unfair that SSA will protect a 19 month old child and not an 8-year-old child. Help, if anyone has any suggestions.
- troublesfriend@yahoo.com

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I want to say Happy Birthday to my birth son born Valentines Day 1971 Anchorage, Alaska. He was born at Anchorage Community Hospital at 11:12pm. He was 6 lbs 11.5 oz and 20 in long. Delivery Dr. was Dr. Curtis/Ivy. Adoption was thru Alaska Dept of Health & Welfare. I signed papers 2/19/1971. I have never forgotten or given up looking for you. - Greta at gretaj@mtaonline.net (P.O. Box 4846 Palmer Alaska 99645)

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I know I am not allowed to look for my daughter, but I am trying to post everywhere I can so that if she is looking for me, it will be easier for her to find me. She was born May 2, 1976 at University Hospital in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. I was 15 years old. The attorney that handled the adoption was named George Mosier, now deceased. I named her Cassandra Karen Brackett, but I am almost positive that her adoptive parents changed that. She had "jaundice" and an infection at birth and was under the "bellyrubin" (sic) lights and on an IV antibiotic in the nursery. I took care of her in there, as I did not know until the day I was to take her home that I was not going to be allowed to keep her. The attorney found out the day I was to go home that this was not my idea and tried to help by telling me that her parents were in their early 30's and she had two older brothers aged 7 and 9, and everyone, including her grandparents, wanted a little girl desperately. They would live in the country, and her room was ready and waiting for her. The adoption had been arranged long before I was told. Due to the jaundice and infection, we were in the hospital past Mother's Day I am sure, but exactly how long, I am not. I keep wanting to say two weeks, but I am fuzzy on this detail. I have struggled to remember as many details as I can to be of help to her (IF she wants to find me). I was told not to tell anyone about her, so my rebellion was to tell everyone. She has two sisters and a brother who know of her and want to meet her. Of course I would love to see her again and thank her parents for taking her when I was not allowed to, giving her the home I could not, and loving her as much as I did. - twhite1960@hotmail.com

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This is hard for me to write. I have been thinking about my daughter for a very long time. She is coming to that age where she will be told that she was adopted. I know that she may come looking for me. I am excited and scared at the same time. I don't want to disappoint her in any way. There is so much that I want to tell her, but it's the waiting to see if she wants to get in touch with me. She was born in White Rock BC, Canada. The date was August 21, 1986, a day I will never forget. If there is any advice you can give me, it would be really great to hear from you. - Nicole L.

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Hello, my name is Yvette, and I was put up for adoption in 1969 in New York state. I don't have much information about my adoption, but I want to find my birth mother. Could you give me some information as to how to go about finding out who she is? Or, what I can do to get things going? God bless, Yvette

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If anyone knows a Nancy Wilson Young (maiden name) around 70 years old who has 3 older children named David, Raymond and Nancy (don't know their last names), among other younger ones, that lived in Columbia, South Carolina from before 1958 until about 1976, and married once to a Stuart Lacy Eddy, PLEASE contact me ASAP. This is my birth mother. I have an agency looking for her, but it's been a while and they haven't had any success, since her name is so common. I'm starting to get a little frustrated and depressed. I don't know what else to do. Thanks and God bless! - beckieespinosa@clearchannel.com

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My name is Aaron, and I have been trying to find my birth sister on and off for a few years now. My mother told me about her existence in 1998, after my brother passed away. It was weird, because for some reason, I had always wished for a sister, and whenever I would say anything, my mom would get quiet and act a bit off. When she told me the news, I asked how she could do it. She told me that she didn't want to, but my brother was only 1 at the time, and she was still living with her mom and she had made her. Also, her job had told her that she would be fired if she requested any more time off. So needless to say, my mother had her and returned to work the next day. She has regretted that decision her entire life and never forgave herself. She tried a few times in her life to find her but always gave up for fear of worth. Her sole concern was for my sister's welfare, and she had requested that I find her. My sister was born April 8, 1965 in Hannibal, Missouri at St. Elizabeth's Hospital (now Hannibal Regional Hospital) at 9:41 pm. She weighed 6 lbs 13 oz and was 19 in long. The doctor that delivered her was Dr. J.C. Steele. We don't know what adoption agency she was adopted through, so this is all the info I have on her. Our mother's name is Margaret C. Motley (never married). I would greatly appreciate any help with my search. My greatest fear is that her adoptive parents never told her and she has no idea that we even exist. If anyone would like to contact me, my e-mail is aaron_logsdon1@hotmail.com. God bless, and good luck to everyone! - Aaron

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To Speak Out and share your opinion or a comment, or to respond to a message, e-mail editor@adoptionweek.com

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17. ADOPTION POETRY

IF ONLY

If only I could see you once
And store your faces in my mind
A part of my own self to see
For I gaze in the mirror, and yet I'm blind!

If only I could meet with you
To talk to you would help me heal
Unlock the door of my self-doubts;
Explain the ways I think and feel.

If only I could understand
The reasons why it could not be...
If for unknown reasons, you "gave me away"
Or if love for me cause you to set me free?

If only I could talk to you
I'd have so much I'd want to say!
I'd thank you for giving a part of yourself
To those who helped form who I am today.

If only I could see you once...
The people who gave me being.
I want to abandon the blinders I've worn
And finally focus on seeing.

- Jennifer A. Eick-Jakiela

For more adoption poetry, visit Poetry.Adoption.com.

Submit your adoption poetry to editor@adoptionweek.com.

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18. ADOPTION CALENDAR

CHAT SCHEDULE:

Sunday:
Reunion Support Group Chat with Loretta in the Search and Reunion room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern

Monday:
Join Dr. Art Becker-Weidman in the hosted chat room at 2 pm Pacific, 3 pm Mountain, 4 pm Central, 5 pm Eastern and ask him questions on attachment therapy and treating children with trauma-attachment disorders.

Adoptee Chat with Thea in the hosted chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern. Thea is a caring adoptee that has recently reunited with her birth mother.

Tuesday:
Birth mom chat with Angelwings. Angel is a birthmom and adoptee. Her chat is held in the BirthMother.chat room at 4 pm Pacific, 5 pm Mountain, 6 pm Central, 7 pm Eastern

Birth father's General Support Chat in the hosted chat room with adoptee and birth father, Terry. All are invited at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm central, 9 pm Eastern

Wednesday:
Pre- and adoptive parent chat with JJ and friends - Help as you begin the adoption process. Hosted in Adoptive Parents chat room at 5 pm Pacific, 6 pm Mountain, 7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern.

Parenting issues for adoptive/foster parents with Dimasmom in FosterCare chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

Thursday:
Evening with Colleen Buckner, search expert, in Search and Reunion chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

Friday:
If you are having a "limbo" type experience with your reunion, come and talk it over with those who've "been there-done that" themselves. Join co-hosting birth mothers, April and Judy, in the Search and Reunion room on Fridays: 5 pm Pacific, 6 pm Mountain, 7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern.

Saturday:
Older child adoption/foster care behavioral issues with Jerry in FosterCare chat room at 6 pm Pacific, 7 pm Mountain, 8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern.

For a listing of times and descriptions and to attend scheduled chats, or join the live chat, visit Forums.Adoption.com/Chat.

ADOPTION EVENTS:

PRE-ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP
February 17 - April 6 (7:00 pm - 9:00 pm on eight Tuesday evenings) San Jose, CA
Resolve of Northern California
Explore your questions and concerns about adoption, and enjoy peer support while you learn about the adoption process. This support group provides information and support about the decision to adopt, and about all types of adoption. Led by Sara Lively, founder of Adoption Paths, an educational organization independent of any adoption agency. For more information and to register, call (831) 476-6252 or visit http://www.AdoptionPaths.com.

HEIGHTS AREA GENERAL MEETING
February 19 (7:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Unity of Greater Cleveland, 3350 Warrensville Center Road, Shaker Heights, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adult adoptees, birth parents, siblings, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, professionals and anyone who is interested in lifelong adoption issues. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, call (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

BIRTH PARENT SUPPORT MEETING
February 21 (2:00 pm – 4:00 pm)
Adoption Network Cleveland, 1667 East 40th St. Suite B-1, Cleveland, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Birth parents who have placed a child for adoption. For more information, call (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

LAKE COUNTY GENERAL MEETING
February 24 (7:30 pm - 9:30 pm)
Deepwood North Apartments, Rental Office/Community Room, 8100 Deepwood Blvd. (off Rt. 84) Mentor, Ohio. Follow signs to rental office.
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adult adoptees, birth parents, siblings, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, professionals and anyone who is interested in lifelong adoption issues. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, call (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION SUPPORT MEETING
February 25 (7:00 pm - 8:30 pm)
Euclid Public Library, Erie Room, 631 E. 222nd. St., Euclid, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents of internationally adopted children. No registration or membership is required to attend. For more information, call (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

* BOOK DISCUSSION OF "FINDING FISH" BY ANTWONE FISHER
February 26 (6:00 pm)
Adoption Network Cleveland, 1667 East 40th St. Suite B-1, Cleveland, Ohio
Adoption Network Cleveland
Who can attend: Open to the public. For more information, call (216) 881-7511 or visit http://www.AdoptionNetwork.org.

PATHWAYS TO ADOPTION - All Day Adoption Seminar
February 28 (8:15 am - 6:00 pm)
Holy Names College, 3500 Mountain Blvd., Oakland, CA
The Northern California Chapter of Resolve
Featuring: Mary Martin Mason
http://www.resolvenc.org/

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION SEMINAR
February 28 (9:30 am - 4:30 pm)
Little Rock Athletic Club, 4610 Sam Peck Road (Hwy 10 West,) Little Rock, AR
Dillon International, Inc.
International adoption can be a wonderful experience. Meet adoptive families, their children, and staff members of Dillon International, Inc. The cost for this one day seminar is $60.00 for a married couple and $50.00 for a single adult applicant. The fee covers lunch and seminar materials. Facilities do not provide for childcare. To register, e-mail bev@dillonadopt.com for details, call (918) 749-4600, or visit http://www.dillonadopt.com/Seminars%20and%20Workshops.htm.

For local listings, regional seminars, and many other adoption events, visit Events.Adoption.com.

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